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Archive for August, 2011

“If you are lying with a woman, do her business several times if you feel inclined, but take care not to overdo it, for it is a true word that, ‘He who plays the game of love for his own sake, and to satisfy his desires, feels the most intense and durable pleasure; but he who does it to satisfy the lust of another person will languish, lose all his desire, and finish by becoming impotent for coition.'”
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.

IN WHICH ANGELINA (TAI) AND HARVEY BECOME INVOLVED IN CONFLICTING ECONOMIC THEORIES

“Ugh, a blow-job tastes better,” exclaimed Angelina-Tai after downing in one gulp the entire contents of a small pony glass containing a concoction called B-52, made from a mixture of bitter and sweet liquors with a little cream floating on top.

Giufa, who notices things like this, saw a sudden gleam spring into Harvey’s eyes when he heard Angelina. Giufa knew that his friend was falling in love or something like that.

“Why don’t you take Angelina into one of the discussion rooms?” suggested Giufa to Harvey.“I am sure you both have a lot in common.”

This made Harvey a bit uncomfortable because he was aware that his friend was experiencing temporary testosterone deficiency and currently was being treated for his malady by Angelina, mini dress hiked above her waist, vigorously applying her ample naked buttocks to Giufa’s trouser encased flaccid member.

“I don’t wish to interfere with your therapy,” he explained.

“Think nothing of it, my friend,” replied Giufa. “Sometimes not even the Goddess can raise the dead.”

So assured, Harvey and Angelina retired to one of the small laboratories adjoining the room with the pool table, there to undertake joint experiments in hydraulics and fluid dynamics.

As he left the table Harvey promised, “I expect this will be brief and I’ll soon return.”

After they left and with the vision of Angelina’s ample breasts and buttocks fresh in their minds, the other Knights began a discussion on the relative merits of silicone and its effect on ones physical and emotional equilibrium. During the discussion, one of the other independent contractors joined the group at the oval table; Moo by name, played by Selma Hayek.

Giufa pointed out to everyone that Selma-Moo looked to him like she could be Angelina-Tai’s younger sister.

To which Selma-Moo agreed there was a resemblance, but added, “However, everything I have is natural.”

Upon hearing this, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace said, “I’ve heard that silicone in addition to affecting ones equilibrium also causes difficulty with co-ordination. So I suggest we determine the extent of your naturalness as follows. I will buy you the drink of your choice. You in turn will have to drink it with one hand and with the other grab my crotch and if you can get my member to rise at the same time as you are downing your drink we will hereafter call you, ‘the Natural’.”

Selma-Moo agreed.

After her successfully passing the test, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace suggested that she try two out of three.

“As long as you’re paying,” Selma-Moo said,”We can go on for as long as you like.”

After a while Angelina and Harvey returned.

“How was it,” inquired Giufa?

“We explored every dark, damp passage into her soul,” Harvey responded.

“Ahh,” said Giufa appreciatively, “Dante had his Beatrice, but we have our Angelina.”

Unfortunately, Harvey having paid $10 for the use of the laboratory and equipment and more for his bar bill assumed he had also paid Angelina’s consulting fee, and although he had given her a good tip it was substantially less than the agreed upon base fee.

As a result, Angelina experienced an adventure movie moment and exploded (a regular occurrence when anything intervenes between a Thai woman and what she considers her money), prompting the mama-san, Cher, to intervene in an attempt to resolve the crisis. When Harvey realized his error, he paid his fee and explained to Nat-Cher that he did not want her (Algelina-Tai) to be upset.

Cher-Nat responded, “You paid her what you owed her, why should you care what she thinks or feels?”

After Harvey left the Kennel Club for his appointment to interview another consultant who’s place of business was located deep within the Outskirts of Hell, Giufa feeling the pain of arthritis in his left hand, placed the throbbing appendage between Angelina’s warm thighs and pressed it firmly against her yoni. As he felt the soothing heat drive away the ache in his fingers he asked her, “Why were you so angry with Harvey especially since he eventually paid you what you wanted?”

“Sometimes,” she answered, “when I go off like that it is difficult for me to come down again. Besides, I was especially angry in this case, because I knew he is your very good friend and I put in extra-effort to please him, so that you will be happy.”

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Women are more favored than men in indulging their passion for coition. it is in fact their speciality; and for them it is all pleasure; while men run many risks in abandoning themselves without reserve to the pleasures of love.”

The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.

 

 

INTRODUCTION

 

Throughout the history of the world, there have been shores on which the flotsam and jetsam of humanity have washed up. Some of these nomads and refugees arrive looking for adventure and fortune, others to escape either the authorities or penury, but most travel to these places for sex and to find release from the burdens of unrelieved competition,  stress, and failure that marked their lives wherever they came from.

Thailand in the last few decades of the Twentieth Century and the first decade of the Twenty-first is just such a place and Pattaya can be viewed as its ultimate example. Originally a sleepy fishing village, it evolved into the R and R location of choice for the American soldiers fighting and dying in the steaming jungles of Viet Nam. The Mid-west farm boys and ghetto youth of all races got their first taste of oriental hospitality and sex. They liked it and many stayed. Many of those that left could not forget and ultimately returned. Later, as the City grew into a justly famed center of worldliness, others, men mostly, came to retire or otherwise escape the apparent pointlessness of what they referred to as the “Rat Race” and the women (and in some cases men) who did not understand them or rejected them for others more pleasing in one way or another.

Almost every afternoon at about 3 PM a small group of these men would assemble at a comfortable bar in a building located on the border of Pattaya’ (hereinafter referred to as ‘The Outskirts of Hell’) and Jomtien Beach (hereafter ‘Paradise by the Beach’). They would gather for a few drinks, to swap stories and on occasion to enjoy the attention of the large number of young woman, independent contractors, who offered various consulting services to the generally quite older male clientele.

Now, our gang, the Geriatric Knights generally sat at an oval table in the back room of the bar. From this perch, they could observe the comings and goings around them as they and everyone else went about their business because indeed it is business that is the purpose of the establishment and everything that goes on there.

The name of the place is “The Kennel Club”. According to one of the Knights, it was so named because it is a place, “where old dogs come to die.” In addition to the large oval table, the back room contained a long bar, a few sofas and another large table in the corner. Also, there was a public hot tub located about three paces from the oval table for use of the ladies and their guests.

The Kennel Club had another large room bathed in red lights containing a smaller bar, some more sofas, and tables and a darkened corner referred to as “Blow Job Corner”. There also was another room which contained the inevitable pool table. In this room, the free Wednesday and Saturday BBQ’s are served. Off this last room were about 5 well-appointed smaller rooms containing a bed and a bathroom that could be rented out on a short time basis so that a gentleman and lady would have some privacy and quiet to discuss such things as the “Problem of Evil” and the “Big Bang” theory.

Now our gang consists of 5 middle-aged and older male refugees from the incipient ruin of the US. For purposes of confidentiality, they shall be called, Harvey, Density, Spy, Giufa, and Jerome or Horace as he preferred to be called.

Now in order to accurately picture these stories in one’s mind, I suggest that the reader imagine this as a big budget movie starring aging male celebrities and movie stars. Our Knights then could be played by Al Pacino, Keith Richards, Nick Nolte, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Willie Nelson. Feel free to replace any or all the characters with celebrities of your choice.

The owner of the bar, an American with a mysterious past, who goes by the name of Carmine, always sits at the end of the long bar. He will be performed by Robert DeNiro. His girlfriend and mamma-san of the Kennel Club can be played by the aging but ever lovely surgical wonder Cher. Her Thai name is Nat.

One of the more notable customers (not a member of the Geriatric Knights of the Oval Table) is a Seventy-two-year-old man with single long drop earring who attends the Kennel Club almost every afternoon. He is often referred to as “The Dancing Man”. You can imagine him as played by Gary Busey.

The Bar girls, although numbering between 25 and 30, for this initial tale we will be meeting only three. Playing Tai is Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman plays another bar girl named  Daw. And the young Miley Cyrus, having just achieved her 18th birthday has been cast as Maliwan a bi-spectacled, clumsy strangely dressed young women trying to break into the business. All three are sitting at the oval table with the Knights when our story begins.

But first an explanation as to why western women movie stars have been chosen to play Thai woman and not Thai celebrities. The reason is not racism or at least the racism that one would expect. It is because no self-respecting Thai lady would expose herself to the humiliation of playing women like that in a movie such as this. However female Hollywood stars are used to humiliating roles and besides everyone knows that good female movie roles are hard to find these days.

Anyway, our tale begins with Spy (Willie) offering Angelina Jolie (Tai) 100 baht ($3) to remove her bra and panties and throw them in the middle of the oval table. After collecting the money she does so with aplomb and as an encore flashes her yoni and nipples to all at the table. Miley Cyrus (Maliwan) jumping up and down squeals to let her do it next.

When Spy hesitates, Cher (Nat) approaches him and says, “Go ahead, give the young girl a break”.

Spy responds, “I will do it only if you also will take off your bra and panties and throw them onto the table.”

Nat agrees but only if she is paid whatever the other girls are getting.

Spy pays and Cher whips off her bra and panties throws them on the table, flashes her yoni and returns to sit beside her boyfriend.

It is then Miley’s turn. Unfortunately, she has difficulty unhooking her bra and needs Angelina to help her and she then tears her panties when they get caught on her spiked heels as she hurriedly tries to remove them

Meanwhile, Natalie Portman (Daw) is busy giving Density (Arnold) a full body lap-dance.

Stay tuned to the next installment in which Harvey (Nolte) discusses conflicting economic theories with Tai (Angelina).

 

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1492 August, Christopher Columbus sails from Spain and arrives in the Bahamas in October.

There he vacations on the beach and invents the Mai Tai, but it failed to achieve much success because, since he did not get to China as he set out to do, he did not have any of those tiny paper umbrellas.

Undeterred Columbus goes to a gambling casino in hopes of winning enough money to demonstrate to the King and Queen back in Spain who paid for his holiday because he knew how to make a hard-boiled egg stand on its end, that they had made a wise investment. Unfortunately Columbus lost all of his money and two of his three boats besides.

Desperate, Columbus fills his remaining boat with cocaine and smuggles it into South Florida where he makes enough money to buy back his two boats and return to Spain.

1493 Columbus returns to Spain.

The King and Queen greet him as a hero, relieve him of most of his loot and promptly order him to return and get some more. This pissed Columbus off. He had hoped to retire to a villa on Mallorca with his ill-gotten gains. Instead he all he could look forward to was spending another six months in a leaky wooden boat with a bunch of scurvy sailors. Nevertheless:

1494 Columbus sets sail again from Spain.

He lands in Jamaica where the Arawak indians call him Jerk, because Columbus looked to them like desiccated meat. This insult so enraged Columbus that he promptly enslaved the Arawaks and gave them smallpox so that they all died.

But the Arawaks had the last laugh because in return for Columbus’ gifts the Arawaks gave Columbus Syphilis that he then brought back to Spain. This did not please the King and Queen as much as the loot from the smuggled cocaine so they sent poor old Columbus back to sea again and then things got even worse.

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