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Last afternoon of the Geriatric Knights in which the Knights Get Down to Business (Cont.).

The virile member, to please women, must have at most a length of the breadth of twelve fingers, or three handbreadths, and at least six fingers, or a hand and a half breadth.

There are men with members of twelve fingers, or three hand-breadths; others of ten fingers, or two and a half hands. And others measure eight fingers, or two hands. A man whose member is of less dimensions cannot please women.
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, trans.

Giufa Comes Home.

So, Giufa, fortified with the “Blue Pill,” a “Gold Pill”, Density’s magic Chinese “Black Pill” and a testosterone shot, felt he was more than ready for the celebration of the festival of coitus.

So, that day he reserved one of the “Love Temples” located off of the pool room at the Kennel Club and took Selma with him into the room to assist him with the rites.

They began with the customary removal of clothing and proceeded to the ritual of the “Fondling and Kissing of the Nipples”. This was then followed by the ceremonial “pee-pee” by each of them. The shower service followed with the formal “Soaping and Washing of the Genitals.” Thereafter they entered upon the “Altar of the Bed” and proceeded to the “Laying Out of the Condom on the Nightstand” ceremony. Then following completion of the liturgical foreplay, they performed THE SACRED SHTUP that ended with Giufa shouting “Oh God” as proscribed in the literature.

After the completion of the ritual during which they attempted to exchange bodily fluids in every orifice they could imagine and after a brief period of rest, they commenced to perform the rituals in reverse, to unwind, so to speak, the completed ceremony; first the shower, then the pee-pee, the final “Fondling and Kissing of the Nipples” and the donning of the clothing. At last there was the obligatory wait while she put on her make-up.

They left the quiet of the temple and emerged into the raucous noise of the pool room. Density and Harvey looked up from their game of pool with several of the “Ladies-in waiting” smiled and nodded to Giufa.

Giufa now sanctified, threw back his shoulders, smiled, nodded and passed out from the Kennel Club and into the sunlight, eager to begin his quest.

Next issue, “Harvey gets his wish”.

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Last Afternoon of the Geriatric Knights in which the Knights Get Down to Business (Cont.).
“The impossibility of performing the coitus, owing to the absence of stiffness in the member, is also due to other causes. It will happen, for instance, that a man with his verge in erection will find it getting flaccid just when he is on the point of introducing it between the thighs of the woman. He thinks this is impotence, while it is simply the result, may be, of an exaggerated respect for the woman, may be of a misplaced bashfulness, may be because one has observed something disagreeable, or on account of an unpleasant odor; finally, owing to a feeling of jealousy, inspired by the reflection that the woman is no longer a virgin, and has served the pleasures of other men.”
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton Trans.
Giufa Finds his Groove again.
Now on that last afternoon of their fellowship before departing on their individual quests,  several of the Knights were gathered at the Oval Table eager for one final shtup in celebration. Although the Knights were not particularly inclined to be religious they were committed to perform their duties religiously, for as the old Arab wrote so long ago,”Do you not know that women’s religion is in their vulvas?”
Spy’s girlfriend, the Princess Oy arrived. She is being played by Joan Chen. (I know, I know what I said about Asian woman celebrities unwillingness to appear in a production like this, but then again, I warned you to never trust the storyteller.) This cheered Spy up a lot. After a drink or two they, made their round of the table saying their farewells to anyone within range of an air-kiss. They left, probably to have dinner somewhere then off for some trolling to find a Waiting Lady willing to join them for the night. Tomorrow morning Spy will disappear into the Indonesian jungle for three months or so as a knight-errant  assuring safe forests for the Resource Lords. Will he stumble across the Magic Vulva in those benighted wilds. The remaining Knights thought not.
A short while after Spy’s departure Density and Harvey announced that they were going to explore the other rooms to see if they could find the Waiting Lady of their afternoon’s desire.
“What are you looking for” inquired Giufa.
“I’m looking for a woman who can rapid fire her ass like a Brazilian dick milker”, responded Density. “I may however have to wait until I get to the Philippines to find one of those. Meanwhile, I just saw the greatest screamer and squirter in Pattaya go into the other room, Maybe I can get her together with Harvey”.
And so they went off leaving Giufa alone at the Oval Table like the cheese in the nursery rhyme. Well not alone exactly, Selma was busily applying hand and ample butt to his physical rehabilitation.
The previous evening Giufa contemplated the next day’s celebration anxiously, he did not want to fail at this important event. So, he consulted the writings of the Old Arab for help.
The Old Arab suggested, “The virile member, rubbed with ass’s milk, will become uncommonly strong and vigorous. ” But  he was sure that asses milk not something one would typically find in a Thai supermarket. He would have to send away for it and that would take too long.
Further on he came across  the suggestion that one should, ” wash the member in water until it becomes red, and enters into erection. Then take a piece of soft leather, upon which spread hot pitch, and envelop the member with it. It will not be long before the member raises its head, trembling with passion. The leather is to be left on until the pitch grows cold, and the member is again in a state of repose. This operation, several times repeated, will have the effect of making the member strong and thick.”
 This however, while tempting, was a bit much for him to contemplate besides where could he find some hot pitch at this time of night. So instead he took out a pill given to him by Density supposedly obtained from China that promised to work like magic. Giufa suspected that  the pill contained the ground up remains of some endangered species thought to induce super-human virility by sympathetic magic. But he was desperate. He also took out a big blue pill that has become the drug of choice for men everywhere today and the source of untold wealth for the company that owns its patent.
These he placed, carefully on his nightstand like sacramental offerings to be consumed tomorrow before departing for the Kennel Club. He then went to sleep and dreamed of two men with the same first name, Abou, who had consumed sacred foods before embarking on their labor:
“The member of Abou el Heïloukh has remained erect 
For thirty days without a break, because he did eat onions. 
Abou el Heïdja has deflowered in one night 
Once eighty virgins, and he did not eat or drink between, 
Because he’d surfeited himself first with chick-peas, 
And had drunk camel’s milk with honey mixed. “
“Maybe onions and honey” he thought as he dreamed, “I have them around here somewhere.”
To be continued as, “Giufa Comes Home.”

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He who boils asparagus and then fries them in fat, and then pours upon them the yolks of eggs with pounded condiments, and eats every day of this dish, will grow very strong for the coitus, and find in it a stimulant for his amorous desires.
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.
Fabula Interruptus
Now I know that in my most recent issue I promised to continue with the Last Afternoon of the Geriatric Knights in which the Knights Get Down to Business, but as any reader of fiction knows, you can never trust the storyteller.
I thought it would be a good idea to break in here now, because I was worried that the reader may see the individual Knights as mere shadow figures around which to build a tale. While that may be true, I thought it would help the narrative if we put a little flesh onto their bones, so to speak.
Not a back story, for that would be irrelevant even to the Knights themselves. Instead I thought it would be helpful to the reader for me to provide an insight into the essence, if you will, of each Knights character.
We will begin (as we usually seem to do) with Jerome, who prefers to be known as Horace, because he is the least interesting and because of that also the most compelling of the Knights. The reason for this apparent conundrum is  that  to some people Jerome, who prefers to be known as Horace, seems to have no soul. As a result, of all the Knights of the Round Table (upon which our tales are very loosely based) he seems most like Galahad, the most boring and soulless Knight at Camelot. What Galahad did have going for him however is that he gave off a strange light that really freaked everyone out. Consequently no one wanted much to do with him and so compared to the other of King Arthur’s Knights we know next to nothing about him.
Now our Jerome, who prefers to be known as Horace, lacks the freaky light. In fact, for him it is sort of the opposite. Instead of giving out light he appears to be where light goes to die and so he is easily the most fascinating of the Geriatric Knights because he can be all things and nothing depending on the storyteller’s mood.
Density on the other hand is certainly the strongest and most knowledgable about practical things. But beneath that tough seeming hard-nosed, sagacious exterior beats the heart of an incurable romantic and he knows it and it worries him.He knows sooner or later he is going to fuck up. In this he  most resembles  Lancelot du Lac, the peerless and dread Knight of the Round Table, dauntless in war and strategy and prudent in all things except for his need to dick half the women in England.  When he finally got around to playing hide the salami with the King’s wife, Guinevere, the shit hit the fan.
Our Harvey on the other hand, is not romantic at all. True, he is optimistic and a good companion. In that he is a lot like Sir Gawain, ever optimistic and always running off to somewhere or other for a good time. But, Gawain was a constant screw-up. Not our Harvey though. Harvey is more cautious. For an example of that feature, one has to turn to another set of tales about a brotherhood, the Merrie Men of Robin Hood. There we find that old Friar Tuck bears a similar cautious trait to our Harvey. If one reads the tales closely, one realizes that Tuck never completely bought into the bullshit of Robin of Locksley. Sure, if there was good food, tasty wine and a roll in the hay now and then, he was happy to join in the fun, just as long as it did not get him into too much trouble.
Now Spy, he most reminds me of Parsifal, who no matter how badly he fucks-up always comes out smelling like he just fell into a vat of the world’s most expensive perfume. You can be assured that, among all the Knights, he will be the one to stumble across the Magic Vulva and probably not recognize it. But, not to worry, like Parsifal he undoubtedly will end up chosen to guard it, either that or in charge of renting it out.
Giufa is the opposite of Parsifal, he is the eternal Kingfish. No matter what high hopes he begins with, it will turn to shit in the end and he will be lucky if he escapes with his limbs intact. In this he most resembles Merlin minus the magic and the dress (He kept the funny hat though). As I am sure you recall, no matter what Merlin starts, it all falls to pieces in the end. Take the Sword in the Stone, it begins pretty well but everyone soon ends up dead at the Battle of Camiann and the Sword gets tossed into a lake like a crushed beer can. Merlin even ends up imprisoned in a block of ice or something, deep under some mountain somewhere, his magic gone along with all his money, taken by his girlfriend who runs off with it so that she can fuck her brains out with Mordred and his Golden Armor.
Now this may all sound pretty squalid and depressing but that is not so. Like Camelot, the story of the Geriatric Knights is a tale of hope in the face of the inevitable.
When we were  young with our peers about us, we dreamed and hoped for that which we had not yet experienced. Now in our old age we dream and hope for one last chance at  that which we will soon no longer have.
Symmetry is a beautiful thing.

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“[A praiseworthy] man is liked and appreciated by women; this is because the woman loves the man only for the sake of coition. His member should, therefore, be of ample dimensions and length. Such a man ought to be broad in the chest, and heavy in the crupper; he should know how to regulate his emission, and be ready as to erection; his member should reach to the end of the canal of the female, and completely fill the same in all its parts. Such a one will be well beloved by women…”
The Perfumed Garden,
Richard Burton, trans.

The Last Afternoon of the Knights.

Now it has always been, whether with the Fellowship of the Ring, The Knights of Camelot or the Mystic Knights of the Sea, that periodically the membership moves on to other things for a while. These voyages are sometimes referred to as quests. We really do not know for sure what they are looking for and for this reason the object of the search is often called the “Grail.” Now no-one knows what the hell a “Grail” is. Perhaps more ink has been spilled on explaining what it may be than anything save that which has been spilled on explaining “God.” I believe, however, that what men have explored the by-ways, and roads of the world and braved its oceans deserts and frigid wastes in search for is “The Magic Vulva.” As the poet said:

“The person who dreams of having seen the vulva of a woman will know that if he is in trouble God will free him of it; if he is in a perplexity he will soon get out of it; and lastly if he is in poverty he will soon become wealthy, because…[it] will mean the deliverance from evil. By analogy, if he wants a thing he will get it: if he has debts, they will be paid.”

So like the gathering of other brotherhoods prior to departing on their quests whether in “The Shire,” at “The Round Table” or in the “Lodge Hall,” the Geriatric Knights assembled at the Oval Table in the back room of “The Kennel Club” for a final get together before going their separate ways.

Jerome, who prefers to be called Horace, was not with them this evening. He had departed a few days before for the mountains and valleys of Nepal to find himself. This prompted one of the other Knights to comment, “He’s been groping himself for as long as I have known him. If he hasn’t found it by now he’s not going to find it on any mountain.”

He has been replaced this evening, by a Knight from south of Thailand beyond Indonesia who found himself that night at the Oval Table in the Kennel Club just like that other besotted Knight from the South who stumbled into Camelot and found himself seated at the Round Table diddling Guenivire. For that reason, we shall call him, Lance, played or course by the aged Robert Goulet.

Tomorrow, Spy will be leaving for the vermin infested jungles of Borneo for three months. He appeared subdued. He drank Coca-cola, not his usual gin and tonic and ignored the various ladies in waiting who tried to cheer him up by rubbing his crotch.

On the day after that, Harvey leaves to return to America to resume his life as “Sword for Hire” and Density travels to the Philippines in his ongoing quest for “the Perfect Yoni.”

“it has the splendid whiteness of a forehead,
In its dimensions it is like the moon,
The fire that radiates from it is like the sun’s,
And seems to burn the member which approaches;
Unless first moistened with saliva the member cannot enter,
The odor it emits is full of charms.”

A few days later, Giufa also will depart in his never ending search for redemption.

But those are other days and other nights, tonight at the Oval Table, the Ladies in Waiting were waiting.

Lance offers Miley-maliwan 100 baht to take off her bra and toss it on the table to get the festivities rolling.

Miley, now an experienced Lady in Waiting, removes her well padded bra without a hitch, revealing the breasts of an underdeveloped 11 year old underneath. In perfect English alliteration she announces to all at the table “I have tiny tits.”

The Knights heartily agreed with her observation.

Giufa, however, pointed out, “As the old Arab observed, ‘Don’t be too eager for round-breasted women’.”

Miley smiled at this comment, revealing a pair of canines larger then her ta-tas.

“Perhaps she is a vampire,” suggested Harvey soto voce.

At which point Selma mentioned, “Carmine said, ‘She may have tiny tits but she has a good heart’.”

“Let’s then drink to tiny tits and good hearts,” proposed Spy.

And everyone drank a toast to Miley’s tits and heart, which pleased her a lot.

… “Last Afternoon of the Knights” to be continued, ” In which the Knights Get Down to Business…”

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In order that a woman may be relished by men, she must have a perfect waist, and must be plump and lusty. Her hair will be black her forehead wide, she will have eyebrows of Ethiopian blackness, large black eyes, with the whites in them very limpid. With cheek of perfect oval, she will have an elegant nose and a graceful mouth; lips and tongue vermilion; her breath will be of pleasant odor, her throat long, her neck strong, her bust and her belly large; her breasts must be full and firm, her belly in good proportion, and her navel well-developed and marked; the lower part of the belly is to be large, the vulva projecting and fleshy, from the point where the hairs grow, to the buttocks; the conduit must be narrow and not moist, soft to the touch, and emitting a strong heat and no bad smell; she must have the thighs and buttocks hard, the hips large and full, a waist of fine shape, hands and feet of striking elegance, plump arms, and well-developed shoulders.
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton Trans.

Symposium Concerning Women Who Deserve to be Praised.

“Thai women are all sugar and spice and everything nice and smiles, we cannot forget the smiles, all wrapped around the heart of a thug,” commented Density one day to the other Geriatric Knights of the Oval Table.  

“That may be true,” said Giufa. “Last night I was reading some old Arab stuff and I wrote some of it down.” He then took out a small notebook. “The writer seemed to agree with you. it was his opinion that, ‘the stratagems of women are numerous and ingenious. Their tricks will deceive Satan himself, for God the Highest has said Koran, chapter xii, verse 28) that the deceptive faculties of women are great, and he has likewise said (Koran, chapter vi, verse 38) that the stratagems of Satan are weak. Comparing the word of God as to the ruses of Satan and woman, contained in those two verses, it is easy to see how great these latter ones are.'” 

“Nevertheless,” he continued, “later on that same writer pointed out, ‘When a meritorious man finds himself near to women, his member grows, gets strong, vigorous and hard; he is not quick to discharge, and after the trembling caused by the emission of the sperm, he is soon stiff again.'”

“Ain’t that the truth,” observed Harvey. “But I don’t get a hard on with every woman I run into.” “Some turn me on a lot and some not so much,” he added.

With that the discussion around the table turned to the diverse preferences in women’s physical attributes among the individual Knights.

It was quickly agreed by everyone that Density preferred what was described as “Tits on a stick”, skinny little women weighing no more that 95 pounds sopping wet of which a quarter of that weight was in her boobs.

Harvey on the other hand liked them a bit more stocky with a little heft in the hip. But he also conceded that he preferred them somewhat smaller in stature, no Valkyries need apply.

This prompted Giufa to look up from his gin and tonic, remove his arthritic hand from between Angelina’s thighs where it had been soaking up the warmth and quote again from the old Arab: “‘It has been observed that under all circumstances little women love coitus more and evince a stronger affection for the virile member than women of a large size. Only long and vigorous members suit them; in them they find the delight of their existence and of their couch.”

“So true,” the others agreed.

Harvey then continued on, “What I really look for in a woman is something different, a woman with short hair where all the others wear it long for example, or women with special talents like screamers or squirters.”

“I don’t know about the rest of you,” said Jerome who prefers to be called Horace and who had married the same women three times with the same results each time, “but all other things being equal, to me it is just a question of the lowest price.”

“What about you Giufa,” he said turning to Giufa, “What turns you on.”

“Well, I have been giving it some thought, and seeing as how Angelina looks a lot like of one of my several ex-wives, and given how all my affairs seem to end up, I would have to say that I am probably most turned on by someone who reminds me of one of my wives, constantly lies to me and steals all my money.”

“Well” laughed Density, “You certainly came to the right country.” 

“What about you Spy?” He asked turning towards Spy who was thoughtfully listening to the conversation.

“As you all know,” Spy responded, “I tend to like smaller woman also and while breast size is nice and all that, what is most important to me however, is her willingness to go out with me and pick up other woman so that I can watch them fuck and then join in.”

“Well I guess  what this all shows,” Density summed up, “is that all men have different tastes or we five here are pretty fucked up.”

“Tell us Giufa if your Arab friend has and thing to say about what woman look for in a man,” he inquired.

Giufa read from his notebook:

“The tale goes, that on a certain day, Abd-el-Melik ben Merouane, went to see Leilla, his mistress, and put various questions to her. Amongst other things, he asked her what were the qualities which women looked for in men.

Leilla answered him: ‘Oh, my master, they must have cheeks like ours.’ 

‘And what besides?’ said Ben Merouane. 

She continued: ‘And hairs like ours; finally they should be like to you, O prince of believers, for, surely, if a man is not strong and rich he will obtain nothing from women.'”

“In other words,” added Giufa, “as they say here in Thailand, no money, no honey.”

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“If you are lying with a woman, do her business several times if you feel inclined, but take care not to overdo it, for it is a true word that, ‘He who plays the game of love for his own sake, and to satisfy his desires, feels the most intense and durable pleasure; but he who does it to satisfy the lust of another person will languish, lose all his desire, and finish by becoming impotent for coition.'”
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.

IN WHICH ANGELINA (TAI) AND HARVEY BECOME INVOLVED IN CONFLICTING ECONOMIC THEORIES

“Ugh, a blow-job tastes better,” exclaimed Angelina-Tai after downing in one gulp the entire contents of a small pony glass containing a concoction called B-52, made from a mixture of bitter and sweet liquors with a little cream floating on top.

Giufa, who notices things like this, saw a sudden gleam spring into Harvey’s eyes when he heard Angelina. Giufa knew that his friend was falling in love or something like that.

“Why don’t you take Angelina into one of the discussion rooms?” suggested Giufa to Harvey.“I am sure you both have a lot in common.”

This made Harvey a bit uncomfortable because he was aware that his friend was experiencing temporary testosterone deficiency and currently was being treated for his malady by Angelina, mini dress hiked above her waist, vigorously applying her ample naked buttocks to Giufa’s trouser encased flaccid member.

“I don’t wish to interfere with your therapy,” he explained.

“Think nothing of it, my friend,” replied Giufa. “Sometimes not even the Goddess can raise the dead.”

So assured, Harvey and Angelina retired to one of the small laboratories adjoining the room with the pool table, there to undertake joint experiments in hydraulics and fluid dynamics.

As he left the table Harvey promised, “I expect this will be brief and I’ll soon return.”

After they left and with the vision of Angelina’s ample breasts and buttocks fresh in their minds, the other Knights began a discussion on the relative merits of silicone and its effect on ones physical and emotional equilibrium. During the discussion, one of the other independent contractors joined the group at the oval table; Moo by name, played by Selma Hayek.

Giufa pointed out to everyone that Selma-Moo looked to him like she could be Angelina-Tai’s younger sister.

To which Selma-Moo agreed there was a resemblance, but added, “However, everything I have is natural.”

Upon hearing this, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace said, “I’ve heard that silicone in addition to affecting ones equilibrium also causes difficulty with co-ordination. So I suggest we determine the extent of your naturalness as follows. I will buy you the drink of your choice. You in turn will have to drink it with one hand and with the other grab my crotch and if you can get my member to rise at the same time as you are downing your drink we will hereafter call you, ‘the Natural’.”

Selma-Moo agreed.

After her successfully passing the test, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace suggested that she try two out of three.

“As long as you’re paying,” Selma-Moo said,”We can go on for as long as you like.”

After a while Angelina and Harvey returned.

“How was it,” inquired Giufa?

“We explored every dark, damp passage into her soul,” Harvey responded.

“Ahh,” said Giufa appreciatively, “Dante had his Beatrice, but we have our Angelina.”

Unfortunately, Harvey having paid $10 for the use of the laboratory and equipment and more for his bar bill assumed he had also paid Angelina’s consulting fee, and although he had given her a good tip it was substantially less than the agreed upon base fee.

As a result, Angelina experienced an adventure movie moment and exploded (a regular occurrence when anything intervenes between a Thai woman and what she considers her money), prompting the mama-san, Cher, to intervene in an attempt to resolve the crisis. When Harvey realized his error, he paid his fee and explained to Nat-Cher that he did not want her (Algelina-Tai) to be upset.

Cher-Nat responded, “You paid her what you owed her, why should you care what she thinks or feels?”

After Harvey left the Kennel Club for his appointment to interview another consultant who’s place of business was located deep within the Outskirts of Hell, Giufa feeling the pain of arthritis in his left hand, placed the throbbing appendage between Angelina’s warm thighs and pressed it firmly against her yoni. As he felt the soothing heat drive away the ache in his fingers he asked her, “Why were you so angry with Harvey especially since he eventually paid you what you wanted?”

“Sometimes,” she answered, “when I go off like that it is difficult for me to come down again. Besides, I was especially angry in this case, because I knew he is your very good friend and I put in extra-effort to please him, so that you will be happy.”

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Women are more favored than men in indulging their passion for coition. it is in fact their speciality; and for them it is all pleasure; while men run many risks in abandoning themselves without reserve to the pleasures of love.”

The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.

INTRODUCTION

Throughout the history of the world there have been shores on which the flotsam and jetsam of humanity have washed up. Some of these nomads and refugees arrive looking for adventure and fortune, others to escape either the authorities or penury, but most travel to these places for sex and to find release from the burdens of unrelieved competition,  stress and failure that marked their livesP wherever they came from.

Thailand in the last few decades of the Twentieth Century and the first decade of the Twenty-first is just such a place and Pattaya can be viewed as its ultimate example. Originally a sleepy fishing village, it evolved into the R and R location of choice for the American soldiers fighting and dying in the steaming jungles of Viet Nam. The Mid-west farm boys and ghetto youth of all races got their first taste of oriental hospitality and sex. They liked it and many stayed. Many of those that left could not forget and ultimately returned. Later, as the City grew into a justly famed center of worldliness, others, men mostly, came to retire or otherwise escape the apparent pointlessness of what they referred to as the “Rat Race” and the women (and in some cases men) who did not understand them or rejected them for others more pleasing in one way or another.

Almost every afternoon at about 3 PM a small group of these men would assemble at a comfortable bar in a building located on the border  of Pattaya’ (hereinafter referred to as ‘The Outskirts of Hell’) and Jomtien Beach (hereafter ‘Paradise by the Beach’). They would gather for a few drinks, to swap stories and on occasion to enjoy the attention of the large number of young woman, independent contractors, who offered various consultant services to the generally quite older male clientele.

Now, our gang, the Geriatric Knights generally sat at an oval table in the back room of the bar. From this perch they could observe the comings and goings around them as they and everyone else went about their business, because indeed it is business that is the purpose of the establishment and everything that goes on there.

The name of the place is “The Kennel Club”. According to one of the Knights it was so named because it is a place, “where old dogs come to die.” In addition to the large oval table, the back room contained a long bar, a few sofas and another large table in the corner. Also,there was a public hot tub located about three paces from the oval table for use of the ladies and their guests.

The Kennel Club had another large room bathed in red lights containing a smaller bar, some more sofas and tables and a darkened corner referred to as “Blow Job Corner”. There also was another room which contained the inevitable pool table. In this room the free Wednesday and Saturday BBQ’s are served. Off this last room were about 5 well-appointed smaller rooms containing a bed and a bathroom that could be rented out on a short time basis so that a gentleman and lady would have some privacy and quiet  to discuss such things as the “Problem of Evil” and the “Big Bang” theory.

Now our gang consists of 5 middle-aged and older male refugees from the incipient ruin of the US. For purposes of confidentiality they shall be called, Harvey, Density, Spy, Giufa, and Jerome or Horace as he preferred to be called.

Now in order to accurately picture these stories in ones mind, I suggest that the reader imagine this as a big budget movie starring aging male celebrities and movie stars. Our Knights then could be played by Al Pacino, Keith Richards, Nick Nolte, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Willie Nelson. Feel free to replace any or all the characters with celebrities of your choice.

The owner of the bar, an American with a mysterious past, who goes by the name of Carmine, always sits at the end of the long bar. He will be performed by Robert DeNiro. His girlfriend and mamma-san of the Kennel Club can be played by the aging but ever lovely surgical wonder Cher. Her Thai name is Nat.

One of the more notable customers (not a member of the Geriatric Knights of the Oval Table) is a Seventy-two year old man with single long drop earring who  attends the Kennel Club almost every afternoon. He is often referred to as “The Dancing Man”. You can imagine him as played by Gary Busey.

The Bar girls, although numbering between 25 and 30, for this initial tale we will be meeting only three. Playing Tai is Angelina Jolie. Natalie Portman plays another bar girl named  Daw. And the young Miley Cyrus, having just achieved her 18th birthday has been cast as Maliwan a bi-spectacled, clumsy strangely dressed young women trying to break into the business. All three are sitting at the oval table with the Knights when the our story begins.

But first an explanation as to why western women movie stars have been chosen to play Thai woman and not Thai celebrities. The reason is not racism, or at least the racism that one would expect. It is because no self-respecting Thai lady would expose herself to the humiliation of playing women like that in a movie such as this. However female Hollywood stars are used to humiliating roles and besides everyone knows that good female movie roles are hard to find these days.

Anyway, our tale begins with Spy (Willie) offering Angelina Jolie (Tai) 100 baht ($3) to remove her bra and panties and throw them in the middle of the oval table. After collecting the money she does so with aplomb and as an encore flashes her yoni and nipples to all at the table. Miley Cyrus (Maliwan) jumping up and down squeals to let her do it next.

When Spy hesitates, Cher (Nat) approaches him and says, “Go ahead, give the young girl a break”.

Spy responds, “I will do it only if you also will take off your bra and panties and throw them onto the table.”

Nat agrees but only if she is paid whatever the other girls are getting.

Spy pays and Cher whips off her bra and panties throws them on the table, flashes her yoni and returns to sit beside her boy friend.

It is then Miley’s turn. Unfortunately she has difficulty unhooking her bra and needs Angelina to help her and she then tears her panties when they get caught on her spiked heels as she hurriedly tries to remove them

Meanwhile, Natalie Portman (Daw) is busy giving Density (Arnold) a full body lap-dance.

Stay tuned to the next installment in which Harvey (Nolte) discusses conflicting economic theories with Tai (Angelina).

 

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