Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘TALES OF BABA GIUFA’ Category

On the Nature of God:

Seeker: Baba Giufa, what is the nature of God?

Baba Giufa: Kingfish.

Seeker: Kingfish! What does that mean?

Baba Giufa: Do you agree that in God is contained the ideal of all things?

Seeker: Yes, I think so.

Baba Giufa: And do you not also agree that when you look around you in the world most of what we consider success has been obtained by fraud and deceit?

Seeker: Well yes, I guess I mostly agree with that too.

Baba Giufa: Then you must also agree that, Kingfish is God.

On Truth:

Seeker: Baba Giufa, what is truth?

Baba Giufa: All that is not a lie.

Seeker: Then what is not a lie?

Baba Giufa: Nothing.

On Racism:

Seeker: Baba Giufa tell me about racism in the United States of America.

Baba Giufa: There are only three black men in America. The holy trinity is Morgan Freeman, Samuel Jackson and Denzil Washington. All black sports stars and politicians are emanations from Samuel Jackson and all black singers and actors, people in the arts and all others are emanations of Denzil Washington. Morgan Freeman is God, but only in a supporting role and he is pissed.

There are a lot of black women, however. They are all descended from Ethel Waters. Butterfly McQueen did not exist.

Seeker: But,,but Baba doesn’t what you just said seem…er…  seem maybe a little racist? Maybe not… oh, I do not know.

Baba Giufa: There are no races, my lad, only racists and we are all racists otherwise why would we invent the concept of race.

On Meditation:

Seeker: Baba Giufa, tell me, how does one meditate properly?

Baba Giufa: Do you like to chew gum?

Seeker: Er…yes..what does that have to do with it?

Baba Giufa: Then chew some gum and concentrate on how much you enjoy it. Soon you will be meditating. There is no need to suffer in order to find enlightenment.

More on Truth:

Seeker: Baba Giufa, tell me, how is one to know the truth?

Baba Giufa: If you do not have enough information to know the truth of a statement (and you never do), you should assume it is a lie and seek for a motivation. And if you find one, no matter how far-fetched, then you are better off assuming it is more true than the original statement.

Read Full Post »

Baba Giufa’s Shamrock

Now Baba Giufa’s guru business prospered and he eventually moved into a large house near Dolores Park in San Francisco where he lived with his acolytes whom he called his Dharmanoids. Now the Dharmanoids consisted of eight young women, the skinny, bearded long-haired inquisitive young man named Babu Beardo who handled the business side of the operation and a heavy-set silent man named Edgar.

The largest room of the house had brightly polished dark wood floors and a great number of cushions strewn about on which the Dharmanoids, visitors and worshipers sat. The only furniture in the room was a large comfortable overstuffed chair in which only Baba Giufa sat. He sat on the chair because he hated sitting on the floor. He considered it very uncomfortable.

Here he sat, smoking his chillum, listening to music from India or by Bob Dylan and enjoying the smell of incense. Here he also greeted visitors and instructed the Dharmanoids and worshipers. He called this room his Shamrock.

One day one of the worshippers asked Baba Giufa, “Since most other religious leaders call their places of worship their ashram, temple or church, why do you call yours ‘Shamrock'”?

To which Baba Giufa responded, “The Shamrock is a plant with three equally sized and shaped leaves.”

Read Full Post »

Baba Giufa and the Irritating Young Man.

 

On day Baba Giufa and two of his female Dharmanoids were sitting at a sidewalk cafe in the North Beach neighborhood of San Francisco. Baba Giufa had become successful enough that he had replaced his bus-boys jacket with a resplendent white designer blazer. His pants were no longer string tied and off-white in color, but bright white slacks from the same designer. He had abandoned the pink flip-flops for the latest fashionable pair of trainers and although on his head he still wore a Panama hat with its black band and its brim cut off, it was no longer the old beat up one that he had previously sported.

 

His two Dharmanoids were dressed in scarlet gospel singer robes. He originally had them dress in white robes but when the laundry bill got too high for his tastes, he changed the color to that of the local football team of which he was an ardent fan. He called his female Dharmanoids his Befanas because they brought him presents.

 

Now it came to pass that on this day a group of about three young men passed by and seeing them sitting there drinking their espresso began to laugh and point at them. The leader of that particular group being, as leaders often are, also the most aggressive, came up to the table where Baba Giufa and his Dharmanoids sat.

 

“You three look ridiculous”, he shouted loud enough so that his friends could hear.

 

Baba Giufa ignored him

 

“What’s your name weirdo?”, the youth challenged.

 

Baba Giufa now looked directly into the young man’s eyes and after a moment or two responded calmly, “They call me Baba Giufa”.

 

“Bullshit”, cried the young man, “Whats your real name?”

 

“My real name is unpronounceable”, said Baba Giufa in a soft voice.

 

“More bullshit ” said the young man becoming redder in the face. “Everything is pronounceable, asshole”.

 

“So you think you can pronounce my real name then?” asked Baba Giufa.

 

“Ha,  of course”, said the boy.

 

“I will tell you what”, said Baba Giufa, “If you can pronounce my name, I will buy you and your friends each an espresso, and if you cannot then you and your mates will move along and leave us alone. Does that seem fair?”

 

“Stupid, but sure, ok” he responded turning and grinning  at his friends, “Go ahead”.

 

And with this agreement in place Baba Giufa leaned forward slightly and simply stared even more intently into the boy’s face.

 

Finally after a while the young man became uncomfortable and said “Well? Say Something”.

 

To which Baba Giufa responded, “Ah, so you admit you cannot pronounce my real name?”

 

“What?” the young man exploded, “You haven’t said anything yet”.

 

“And that”, responded Baba Giufa,  “is why I am called Baba Giufa”. 

Read Full Post »

It was the Golden Age, after the pill and before the scourge of AIDs. Like all Golden Ages, people’s attention turned from mere survival, to self-indulgence, self-adsorption and self-aggrandizement or as some say Hedonism, Mysticism and Capitalism and still others simplified to Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll.

Now at that time, the City of San Francisco was one of the centers of that age, often referred to as “new”, when society as a whole suffers from a mass attack of Alzheimer’s.

In the City at that time there lived a man who like most people wanted fame, fortune and sex. Like most people he believed it was his right to not have to work too hard for it.

Eastern Mysticism was sweeping the country then and attracted a wealthier class of adherents than the ever-popular Pentecostal Christianity. Besides, burning books and sexual suppression was not popular then.

So, he decided to become an eastern spiritual leader. He called himself “Baba Giufa” because it sounded like something an eastern mystical guru who could become popular and attract a lot of followers would call himself.

Now Baba Giufa knew in order to be successful he needed to assemble his own followers. So, one Saturday he put on a white busboy’s jacket and a pair of mostly white pants with a string belt. On his head he placed an old white Panama hat from which he had carefully cut off the brim and on his feet he wore a pair of pink rubber flip-flops.

So attired, he went into Golden Gate Park  at about 3PM. He sat himself down on the heavily traveled sidewalk along-side the road that ran past the Japanese Tea Garden and the DeYoung Museum across from the Band Shell.

He sat in what looked like the traditional lotus position but really was not because he found the lotus position too uncomfortable but as long as it looked a little like the lotus position he thought that it would do for his purposes. He had no idea what to do with his hands, so he placed them palms up on his knees because he thought it looked like the picture of a Yogi master he saw somewhere. He closed his eyes and then he began to chant…

Actually, Baba Giufa did not know any chants. But in school he had memorized Lewis Carrol’s poems the Walrus and the Carpenter and the Jabberwocky. By reciting them in a very low and sing-song voice he hoped that it would seem to sound a lot like chanting. And,it did.

Whenever he finished chanting one of the poems he would open his eyes as wide as he could until his irises seemed to float in bloodshot white seas. He also stuck his tongue out as far as he could. To most observers it appeared as though he was having a seizure of some sort. Then after a few moments he would retract his tongue, close his eyes and begin his chanting again.

Now after a while at this, a crowd began to gather around him; some because they were upset that he was sitting on the well-travelled sidewalk forcing then to detour around him, others out of curiosity and still others attracted by his seeming other-worldliness.

Finally a skinny, inquisitive young man with long flowing hair and a scraggly beard that was in fashion at the time, approached him and inquired, “Who are you and what are you doing here?”

Baba Giufa stopped his chanting, opened one eye, and stared at the young man for a while and then asked, “Do you have friends and family?”

“Why yes I do.” replied the startled young man.

“Then let me tell you this,” Baba Giufa responded in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, “I am called Baba Giufa and I have found the secret to inner peace and happiness and if you want to share the secret with me then next Saturday at precisely 3 PM bring along your family and friends and I will return and instruct you all.”

With this, Baba Giufa rose from where he was sitting, passed through the crowd and went home.

Next Saturday at precisely 3 PM, Baba Giufa returned to the same place in Golden Gate Park and found a crowd of about twenty people standing around. The skinny young man was siting on the sidewalk cross-legged directly to the right of where Baba had sat the previous Saturday. Baba took his seat and began his chanting and spasms. This continued until the inquisitive young man leaned in towards Baba and said in a loud voice, “Baba, last week you told me that if I gathered friends and family here at precisely 3PM on the following Saturday, you will instruct us all on the secret to inner peace and happiness.”

With that Baba Giufa rose from where he was sitting and looked over the crowd that had grown quite a bit larger since he had arrived.

Baba Giufa then asked the crowd, “How many here know what I am about to say? Raise your hands.”

No one raised their hands.

“Than why.” said Baba Giufa, “should I say anything to those who have no idea what I will speak about? I will return here next Saturday at precisely 3 PM and at that time I will instruct only those that really want to know, the secret of inner peace and happiness.”

With that Baba Giufa passed through the crowd, left the park and returned to his home.

On the next Saturday at precisely 3PM Baba Giufa returned to the park and resumed his seat and chanting. This time the crowd was much larger. Also, although the young man remained seated on his right, an attractive blond woman in a granny dress with flowers twisted into her hair sat on his left.

Again after a while the inquisitive young man leaned towards Baba Giufa and asked of him the same question.

Baba Giufa rose from his seat and observed the ever-growing crowd and shouted so that all could hear, “All those who know what I am going to speak about raise their hands.”

This time everyone had been instructed by the skinny inquisitive young man to raise their hands when asked that question and they all did so,

Baba Giufa look at them for a moment and then said, “Why should I speak at all to any of you when you all know what it is I am going to say? I will return here next Saturday at precisely 3 PM and instruct those who truly wish to know the secret of inner peace and happiness.”

With that he passed through the crowd, left the park and returned home.

On the third week, at precisely 3PM on Saturday Baba Giufa returned to the park. This time he carried a bunch of paper in one hand and a shoe box in the other. He found a crowd even larger than the last time. And, not only was the inquisitive man and the comely woman already seated on each side of his place on the sidewalk but several other seekers were assembled on the sidewalk as well. In addition, surrounding his place were several vases filled with multi colored flowers. He took his seat and handed to the inquisitive young man the bits of paper on which he had written his name, Baba Giufa, and his address and phone number. In front of himself he placed the shoe box in which he had cut a hole into the top and on which he had neatly lettered the word “Donations”. He began his chanting.

Eventually, the skinny man leaned towards Baba Giufa and asked the question again. This time Baba Giufa did not rise, instead he simply stared at the shoe box in front of him.

After a while everyone got the idea and several of the onlookers came forward and dropped money into the box. When Baba Giufa was satisfied that no further contributions were forthcoming, he stood up and addressed the crowd. “All of you here that know what I am going to say please raise your hand.”

About one half of the crowd, having been well-trained by now, raised their hands.

Then Baba Giufa said, “All those who do not know what I am about to say raise their hands.”

The otter half of the crowd did so.

“Well then,” said Baba Giufa, “I would appreciate it if those who know what I am going to say would tell those who do not. For those really interested in learning the way to inner peace and happiness I have given to my first disciple here, who shall hereafter be known as Babu Beardo, scraps of paper with my telephone number and address on it.”

And with that he picked up the shoe box made his way through the crowd and went home.

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: