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HOW GOD TRIED BUT STILL COULDN’T GET THINGS 
RIGHT

1. Well, after resting for a day GOD went 
walking in his garden and came upon Adam who 
appeared unhappy and God said onto Adam,
“Hey, my man Adam, wasp? Why so glum chum?”

2. And Adam answered, “It’s Lilith, you know, 
she always wants to be on top, and goes around 
renaming things that I already named and 
things like that and I think she’s sleeping 
around. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.”

3. “That bad is it?”, said GOD. “Normally I don’t 
like to involve my-selves in domestic matters, 
but seeing as how unhappy you are on this 
glorious first day after I created everything, 
I’ll see what I can do,” and so God called 
Lilith in for a little talk.

4. “Lilith,” said GOD, “Whats this about you not 
listening to Adam and going around naming things 
yourself?”

5. And Lilith answered, “What! Has that little pencil 
dick gone complaining to you? Now see here, you made 
me out of the same stuff you made him and whatever 
he can do I can do and probably better.”

6. “Well,” God said “Maybe if you just let him get 
on top now and then he would feel better and not 
come complaining to me so often.”

7. “Screw you pops,” said Lilith. “You gave me 
this hole instead of a rod and I’m going to use 
it the way I like it best. What would you know 
about it anyway? Even with that three and a 
half-foot dong of yours you probably have not 
gotten laid since creation.”

8. And GOD began to get a bit peeved and said, 
“Ha, that’s how much you know. I’m quite in 
demand among the goddesses hereabout. In fact 
whenever old Zeus is out screwing that bull-dyke 
Europa, I’m right up on Olympus there giving 
Hera a bump or two. And I must be pretty good too 
because she never says ‘Oh Zeus’, no, it’s always 
‘Oh GOD, Oh my GOD, Yowee”. And with that he glared 
at Lilith with a smug expression.

9. “Ok,” said Lilith, “if you’re so good how 
about giving me a tumble GODY. I’m getting a 
little tired of old limp dick over there.”

10. And with that GOD jumped up and shouted, 
“Get thee gone hussy before I smite thee,” for 
if truth were known he had only slept with 
Word and Ghost since creation and was sorely 
embarrassed.

11. “OK” said Lilith. “Keep your drawers on. 
I’m happy to go. This place is getting on my 
nerves anyway with all that naming this and 
naming that. I think I’ll go find old Lucifer 
Morning Star, I hear he’s forming a hot band, 
all dressed in black vinyl with scarlet piping 
and horns and tails. That’s pretty hot. Not 
like your prancing nancy-boys in their sequined 
tights.” And, with that she bounced her knockers 
once or twice, turned and with a swish of her 
buttocks strode off.

12. After a while GOD went to Adam and said, 
Look here my boy, I am giving you a divorce. 
Yes I know you are not supposed to divorce, but 
Gods can do that sort of thing if they want to.”

13. And Adam began to cry and said, “But, I’ll 
be all alone and I was just getting the hang 
of it and those knockers…”

14. “OK. OK, I get your point. I’ll have the 
Creator make you another playmate.” And with 
that GOD put Adam to sleep and the Word reminded 
the Creator that Lilith felt she could boss Adam 
around because she was made from the same stuff 
as he was.

15. “I know,” said the Creator. "I’m thinking of 
taking part of Adam here and making his companion. 
In that way the idiot will always think that she 
is only a small part of him. I think I’ll take 
one of his ribs, I may have made too many of them 
originally anyway.”

16. And the Creator formed Adam’s companion out 
of his rib and as he was doing so he paused for 
a moment over her knockers and thought fondly of 
Lilith’s but then with a sigh made these a little 
smaller, well actually a lot smaller.

17. Then Adam awoke and GOD introduced him to 
her whom GOD called Eve just to piss everyone 
off who wanted him to call her Miriam.

18. And Adam saw her and said, “This at last 
is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she 
shall be called Woman, because she was taken out 
of Man.”

19. Than Adam said, “Thanks GOD. Is there anything 
I can do for you?”

20. And GOD said, “Yes in fact there is. Although 
you may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 
but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil 
you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of 
it you shall die.”

21. “Woah,” said Adam, “that’s pretty harsh. What 
do you call this place anyway?”

22. “Eden” said GOD.

23. A river flowed out of Eden to water the 
garden, and there it divided and became four 
rivers. The name of the first is Pishon; it 
is the one which flows around the whole land of 
Havilah, where there is gold; and the gold of 
that land is good; bdellium and onyx stone are 
there. The name of the second river is Gihon; 
it is the one which flows around the whole land 
of Cush. And the name of the third river is Tigris, 
which flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river 
is the Euphrates.
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INTRODUCTION

 

The following is the first book of the mysterious manuscript I discovered at the bottom of a Skippy’s Peanut Butter jar. According to the author, Joe (no relation), the typeface used in the manuscript was “…Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.”

 

Regretfully that typeface cannot be reproduced here.

Papa Joe.

 

JOE’S BIBLE – SUI GENESIS I

 

HOW GOD CREATES EVERYTHING AND FUCKS IT UP ANYWAY

 

1. Long long ago (about 5000 years ago in fact), there lived GOD and nobody else and it was dark.

 

2. And with GOD was the WORD and the word was “YOWEE, that hurts. Who put the fucking trumpet in front of the bathroom door? Let there be light,” and the universe was cleft in twain because only a YOWEE can cleft a twain and there was light.

 

3. And GOD said “that’s better” and he named the light “Day” and the dark “Night.

 

4. “Why?” said the Word.

 

5. “Because,” said GOD “you couldn’t call the day night could you? And by the way who the hell are you?”

 

6. “I am the Word,” Word answered. “I am here with Ghost. We are all together in this, whatever this is.”

 

7. “How come I never met you two before,” asked GOD?

 

8. “Because this is the first Levee`,” said Ghost. “And by-the-way it’s still dark at night and we could still trip over things. You’re the Creator you should do something about it.”

 

9. “All this creating has tired me out”, said the Creator. ” Maybe I will work on it tomorrow.” And GOD saw that this was a good idea.

 

9. And so they went to bed, but the Creator could not sleep because he had never slept with two guys before and it made him uncomfortable.

 

10. And on the second Levee`, GOD arose but could not separate the waters from the firmament and Ghost suggested a laxative and GOD saw it was good.

 

11. Then GOD said, “what’s the use of a Levee` if there is no one to watch it.”

And so the Creator created many, many (Word called it”a shit load”. Him, of course, being good with words and all) beings he called “Angels” and ordered them to all look at him at all times which irked one of the Angels called Lucifer Morning-Star because it was very boring since there was really nothing to look at except GOD sitting on his throne trying to separate the waters from his firmament.

 

12. And Lucifer spoke “What is this crap? We all look like nancy-boys with our ringlets. And besides there you sit 15 feet tall, long white hair and beard, rippling muscles and a three and a half-foot dong and what do we get, these little fucking wings, and a shift for GOD’s sake with nothing under it .“

 

13. After Lucifer spoke all the Angels started grumbling.

 

14. Sensing trouble GOD said “Stop it all of you. I admit Lucifer has got a point there. I am new at this creator stuff. I’ll tell you what, I’ll consider giving you all dongs, of course much smaller than mine, when I figure out what it is good for. Let me sleep on it and think it over.”

 

15. And the Angels appeared satisfied with that except for Lucifer but he held his peace.

 

16. Seeing this the Creator turned to Word and Ghost and said, “We have got to keep an eye on that one we do.” And GOD agreed with himself that that was a good idea.

 

17. And on the third Levee as GOD sat on his throne amidst his angels hoping the laxative would do him some good, the Creator said, “Ghost since thou art my spirit get thee below me and gather the waters that I shall call the ‘Seas’ in one place and let the hard stuff appear that I shall call ‘Earth’.”

 

18. And the Word said, ”Why are you talking like that with all those thees and thous?”

 

19. “Because I thought that sounded more GOD like,” answered the Creator.

 

20. And so the spirit of GOD passed over the waters and did as he was told and GOD did not feel better because it stunk up the place and thus the Creator said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind and oh do not forget flowers, sweet-smelling flowers.” And it was so.

 

21. And GOD said, “that’s a pretty good days work,” and went off to bed.

 

22. On the fourth Levee, GOD sat on his throne amidst all his Angels and he thought and after a while, he said “This day and night thing is a little too bland for my taste. I think I’ll put these sparkly things up in the night…ah, sky and call them stars and don’t ask me why I call them that they just seem like stars.”

 

23. “Still too dark,” observed Word.

 

24. “OK,” the Creator agreed, “I’ll add this big silver thing the…Moon. I like that the Moooon. Sounds good. And to balance things out, I’ll add this yellow thing here in the day and call it the Sun.” And before anyone else could speak he glared at everyone and said: “What else would I call it?”

 

25. Word and Ghost agreed and Ghost said he liked the color scheme so far.

 

26. And on the Fifth Levee`, GOD sat on his throne amidst his adoring Angels and peered between his legs at the seas and the earth below him and said, “I know its pretty, but its boring I think we need a little action.”

 

27. And so the Creator got to work and said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of things that move around, and let there be things that fly about the seas and the earth.” And GOD was still not satisfied so the Creator said, “Let the land also bring forth things that move about.” And the Platypus, the Gnu and lots of slimy things came out upon the earth. And upon seeing this the Creator said, “Uh..let me be clearer, let there be things like Cows and insects and Tigers and Elephants yes especially Elephants and things like that.” And so it was done.

 

29. Then the Creator said, “I have got a great idea on how to really liven things up,” and he divided each animal into two and to one he gave a dong a lot like his but mostly smaller except for the very big animals because he thought it would look strange if it were too small and probably would not work anyway, each according to his kind and to the other a deep slippery hole in which to the dong fit pretty comfortably in most part and then the Creator said to all the things that moved on the earth, in the air and in the seas, “Now go fuck your selves silly and increase and multiply and fill the earth and kill and eat one another with lots of blood and screaming and things like that.” And GOD was happy and took a nap because this was a really hard day for him.

 

30. And on the fifth Levee` GOD sat on his Throne amidst the adoring Angels and said, “You know I would really like something that looks like me and all this naming and watching over things is getting annoying so we could assign him to do that.”

 

31 And so the Creator took some of the stuff floating under the Throne of GOD and created something in his own image but instead of being 15 feet tall, covered in hair, with rippling muscles and a 3 and a half-foot dong (Called the ‘Dong of GOD’ or ‘Ding Dong’) the thing was about 5 ft 6 inches tall a bit flabby, not too much hair and its dong barely 5 inches long. And GOD approved and called it Adam because he did not like Word’s suggestion that it be called Irving.

 

32. Then the Creator reached again into the muck and molded something into which Adam could fit his little dong and called it Lilith.

 

33. Then Gabriel, one of the Angels, looked at Lilith closely and said, “Yowee, what are those things?”

 

34. “Knockers,” said GOD thinking quickly.

 

35. Then GOD, a little peeved at the Angels’ reaction to Lilith, said to the Heavenly Host, “Forget her, I want you all to bow down and worship my man Adam.”

 

36. “That does it,” said Lucifer, “I’m pissed. First, you have not delivered on the dongs and…”.

 

37. And GOD, sensing trouble, immediately had the Creator pass out dongs to Lucifer and a few of the other Angels that seemed to agree with him and said, “Does that satisfy you now?”

 

38. “Not really,” said Lucifer. “You told us when we were created that we were your right hand..uh Angels and now you want us to bow before this pissants (Lucifer was pretty good with words himself) midget GOD and we still have these goddamn shifts and fruity little wings.”

 

39. And with that Rafael, another angel, bitch slapped him good and hard and all hell broke out in Heaven with angels pulling each other’s hair and rolling on the ground and the like.

 

40. “Do something,” said Ghost to the Creator. “You created them.” But just then GOD’s firmament moved and he was preoccupied.

 

41. And so it came to pass that Gabriel and his nancy-boys drove Lucifer and his biker friends from heaven. Not that they wanted to stay there anyway because tomorrow was Sabbath and the day of their weekly motorcycle rally along Coast Highway.

 

42. So when Gabriel returned, GOD thought it would be a good Idea to give him a reward for his efforts and gave him the old trumpet he had lying around and was always tripping over.

 

43. “Blow Gabriel Blow,” GOD directed. And Gabriel did blow and the sound that came out was so horrid and loud that GOD could feel the waters under his throne splashing his nether parts.

 

44. “Hmm,” GOD said to Gabriel, “instead of blowing on your horn right now how’s about I give you all these little harps you can play on and maybe, you know, you can organize a heavenly chorus?”

 

45. GOD seeing the Gabriel seemed a bit dejected said to him, “Trust me Gabriel hold off on blowing the trumpet right now and I promise you that the next time you do my firmament will return to the waters.” And that cheered Gabriel greatly.

 

46. in addition to the chorus, Gabriel, Raphael, Michael, and Ringo formed a rock band that they called Big G and the Archangels and they all dressed in sequins that sparkled in the light and put on a show for GOD.

 

47. And then the Word, while God listened to Gabriel’s band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, whispered to the other two they would be a great lead act for the next Levee`, and the Creator said, “that’s a good idea.”

 

49. Then, after the concert, GOD announced, “That’s it. I’ve had enough of this creating. I’m taking tomorrow off.”

 

50. And with that GOD got up, left his throne, went back to bed and slept through all the next day.

 

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