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Posts Tagged ‘Bahamas’

On Wednesday, I went to the DMV office to register my new automobile. About an hour and a half into my wait, sitting there on the hard plastic chair staring at the drop ceiling and listening to the seductive automated voice calling out the numbers like she was lying there next to me whispering into my ear, “B, zero, two seven go to window number nine,” I realized that I was as content as I could be anywhere. I guess I was experiencing satori — a spiritual awakening. I imagined that many of the great religions were created in DMV offices. The Bible tells us that Jesus disappeared from public view until he began his ministry when he was 30. I suspect, he spent that time quietly sitting in a DMV office believing that the “meek shall inherit the earth.” Buddha while waiting five hours to renew his driver’s license persuaded himself that it was only tolerable if, in fact, it was not real. While Mohammed, on leaving the DMV office, decided to conquer all the worlds DMV offices by promising his followers that if they died in the effort they would find themselves alone in a DMV office with 72 virgins behind the counter.

Did you know that the biblical heaven and Hell are, in fact, DMV offices? In Heaven, you sit on hard plastic seats staring at the golden ones behind the counter, the saint, and the angels, waiting for your number to be called and when it is called you get to approach the counter and get your license renewed by one of the golden ones after which you get to go back to your seat and wait for your number to be called again. Hell is just another DMV office except there are no seats, the heat is turned up to the highest level and your number is never called.

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1492 August, Christopher Columbus sails from Spain and arrives in the Bahamas in October.

There he vacations on the beach and invents the Mai Tai, but it failed to achieve much success because, since he did not get to China as he set out to do, he did not have any of those tiny paper umbrellas.

Undeterred Columbus goes to a gambling casino in hopes of winning enough money to demonstrate to the King and Queen back in Spain who paid for his holiday because he knew how to make a hard-boiled egg stand on its end, that they had made a wise investment. Unfortunately Columbus lost all of his money and two of his three boats besides.

Desperate, Columbus fills his remaining boat with cocaine and smuggles it into South Florida where he makes enough money to buy back his two boats and return to Spain.

1493 Columbus returns to Spain.

The King and Queen greet him as a hero, relieve him of most of his loot and promptly order him to return and get some more. This pissed Columbus off. He had hoped to retire to a villa on Mallorca with his ill-gotten gains. Instead he all he could look forward to was spending another six months in a leaky wooden boat with a bunch of scurvy sailors. Nevertheless:

1494 Columbus sets sail again from Spain.

He lands in Jamaica where the Arawak indians call him Jerk, because Columbus looked to them like desiccated meat. This insult so enraged Columbus that he promptly enslaved the Arawaks and gave them smallpox so that they all died.

But the Arawaks had the last laugh because in return for Columbus’ gifts the Arawaks gave Columbus Syphilis that he then brought back to Spain. This did not please the King and Queen as much as the loot from the smuggled cocaine so they sent poor old Columbus back to sea again and then things got even worse.

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