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Posts Tagged ‘Dante’

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I spent the morning – during my walk to breakfast, at breakfast, while swimming and at lunch – running through my mind various self-justifying stories about what that particular day means to me. I was going to write them down here because I thought some of them were pretty good. But, I’ll save you that pleasure. What really interests me today is Samuel Beckett. You know Andre the Giant’s friend who was so obsessed with cricket, – that Sam Beckett. (Samuel Beckett used to drive André the Giant to school. All they talked about was cricket.)

Andre the Giant was a professional wrestler and actor who appeared in what is, in my opinion, the greatest movie ever made, “The Princess Bride.”

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Contemplating the mystery and significance of Andre would take me more than one day so, instead, I concentrated on Sam.

Well, Sam wrote a lot of books and plays when he was not driving Andre around or watching cricket matches. One novel in particular always fascinated me. It was about someone deaf, dumb and blind, without arms and legs lying face down in a puddle of mud slowly slithering along until he bumps into something. This was all that the novel was about, all three hundred or so pages of it. I do not remember the name of the book. You can look it up.

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Now, I know Beckett intended his story to explore solipsism (you can look that up too), a philosophy or view of life that fascinated him. But he was a storyteller and as I have pointed out previously one can never trust a storyteller, they always lie. The lies aside, what always interested me was that he was also wrong.

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You see, even someone deaf, dumb and blind, without arms and legs lying face down in a puddle of mud slowly slithering along when he bumps into something is still a blood sack with a bunch of electrons floating around between neurons that have gathered from the environment various electrical and other forces, formed them into an image and then tells the blood sack what it is he is experiencing. Now, the deaf, dumb and blind someone without arms and legs lying face down in a puddle of mud slowly slithering along has no idea whether what he is being told is the truth or not. He may, actually, be floating through the air above a beautiful verdant landscape for all he knows. Something may be amiss among the neurons or they may just be playing with him. In fact, if he believes he is deaf, dumb and blind, without arms and legs lying face down in a puddle of mud slowly slithering along when he bumps into something, something is probably very wrong with his neurological machinery. Even if, in fact, he is deaf dumb and blind and slithering face down through a puddle of mud he may either panic and despair or laugh at the absurdity of it all. And, if the latter, he could then utter Reilly’s famous observation, “what a revolting development this is.”

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Which brings me back to what this all means to me on this particular day. What it means to me and to you is that, if you know who Reilly is, then you are probably at least as old as I am, and you know, as I do, that our “Use by” date is rapidly approaching.

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“If you are lying with a woman, do her business several times if you feel inclined, but take care not to overdo it, for it is a true word that, ‘He who plays the game of love for his own sake, and to satisfy his desires, feels the most intense and durable pleasure; but he who does it to satisfy the lust of another person will languish, lose all his desire, and finish by becoming impotent for coition.'”
The Perfumed Garden, Richard Burton, Trans.

IN WHICH ANGELINA (TAI) AND HARVEY BECOME INVOLVED IN CONFLICTING ECONOMIC THEORIES

“Ugh, a blow-job tastes better,” exclaimed Angelina-Tai after downing in one gulp the entire contents of a small pony glass containing a concoction called B-52, made from a mixture of bitter and sweet liquors with a little cream floating on top.

Giufa, who notices things like this, saw a sudden gleam spring into Harvey’s eyes when he heard Angelina. Giufa knew that his friend was falling in love or something like that.

“Why don’t you take Angelina into one of the discussion rooms?” suggested Giufa to Harvey.“I am sure you both have a lot in common.”

This made Harvey a bit uncomfortable because he was aware that his friend was experiencing temporary testosterone deficiency and currently was being treated for his malady by Angelina, mini dress hiked above her waist, vigorously applying her ample naked buttocks to Giufa’s trouser encased flaccid member.

“I don’t wish to interfere with your therapy,” he explained.

“Think nothing of it, my friend,” replied Giufa. “Sometimes not even the Goddess can raise the dead.”

So assured, Harvey and Angelina retired to one of the small laboratories adjoining the room with the pool table, there to undertake joint experiments in hydraulics and fluid dynamics.

As he left the table Harvey promised, “I expect this will be brief and I’ll soon return.”

After they left and with the vision of Angelina’s ample breasts and buttocks fresh in their minds, the other Knights began a discussion on the relative merits of silicone and its effect on ones physical and emotional equilibrium. During the discussion, one of the other independent contractors joined the group at the oval table; Moo by name, played by Selma Hayek.

Giufa pointed out to everyone that Selma-Moo looked to him like she could be Angelina-Tai’s younger sister.

To which Selma-Moo agreed there was a resemblance, but added, “However, everything I have is natural.”

Upon hearing this, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace said, “I’ve heard that silicone in addition to affecting ones equilibrium also causes difficulty with co-ordination. So I suggest we determine the extent of your naturalness as follows. I will buy you the drink of your choice. You in turn will have to drink it with one hand and with the other grab my crotch and if you can get my member to rise at the same time as you are downing your drink we will hereafter call you, ‘the Natural’.”

Selma-Moo agreed.

After her successfully passing the test, Jerome who prefers to be called Horace suggested that she try two out of three.

“As long as you’re paying,” Selma-Moo said,”We can go on for as long as you like.”

After a while Angelina and Harvey returned.

“How was it,” inquired Giufa?

“We explored every dark, damp passage into her soul,” Harvey responded.

“Ahh,” said Giufa appreciatively, “Dante had his Beatrice, but we have our Angelina.”

Unfortunately, Harvey having paid $10 for the use of the laboratory and equipment and more for his bar bill assumed he had also paid Angelina’s consulting fee, and although he had given her a good tip it was substantially less than the agreed upon base fee.

As a result, Angelina experienced an adventure movie moment and exploded (a regular occurrence when anything intervenes between a Thai woman and what she considers her money), prompting the mama-san, Cher, to intervene in an attempt to resolve the crisis. When Harvey realized his error, he paid his fee and explained to Nat-Cher that he did not want her (Algelina-Tai) to be upset.

Cher-Nat responded, “You paid her what you owed her, why should you care what she thinks or feels?”

After Harvey left the Kennel Club for his appointment to interview another consultant who’s place of business was located deep within the Outskirts of Hell, Giufa feeling the pain of arthritis in his left hand, placed the throbbing appendage between Angelina’s warm thighs and pressed it firmly against her yoni. As he felt the soothing heat drive away the ache in his fingers he asked her, “Why were you so angry with Harvey especially since he eventually paid you what you wanted?”

“Sometimes,” she answered, “when I go off like that it is difficult for me to come down again. Besides, I was especially angry in this case, because I knew he is your very good friend and I put in extra-effort to please him, so that you will be happy.”

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