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Outside Dick’s Home across the driveway from the front door there is a tall hedge growing. I assume it was planted to shield the occasional pedestrians on the street from a view of our garbage cans. On one side of the hedge, barely visible from either the front door or the street is a large dark gap or hole in the foliage. From this gap, for as long as I have lived here, there issue several rivulets of water that tumble down the slope for about 30 feet or so before disappearing into a drain at the side of the garage. During the rainy season, these rivulets grow quite large and at times flood the driveway.
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Not too long ago, while leaving the house, I noticed some kid standing by the garbage cans behind the hedge peeking out at the street. Curious, I shouted, “ Hey, what the fuck are you doing here?”

At the sound of my voice, he spun around and stared at me, a surprised look on his face. That’s when I realized he was not some kid, but a very short old man with a scraggly gray beard. Old, about my age with wrinkles on his face that stood out like scars. He was short, well under five feet I guessed and dressed oddly too. On his head, he had on what looked like a black or dark blue felt fedora with its brim cut off. His coat, dark brown in color, had shiny buttons, yellow piping, and hung almost to his knees. Below the coat were wrinkled tan pants tucked into dirty white socks. On his feet, he had what looked like old hiking boots.

He hesitated a moment then turned, ran through the mud, up the slope and dove head first into the gap in the hedge. I noted that he was far spryer than I.

“Hey!” I shouted and ran across the driveway after him. Well, I actually didn’t run, that’s beyond me at this age — shuffled more likely. Also, I was wearing my imitation Crocs that I bought in Thailand for two dollars. There’s no running in them — waddling perhaps.

I crossed the driveway, then slipped and slid through the silt and the mud and turned toward the dark gap. “I’ve got you now you rat bastard,” I thought.

As I approached the hole and tried to reach in to grab the little jerk, I slipped and slid feet first into the gap. I fell thinking I was going to land hard on my ass. Instead, I kept falling down and down and down. As I slid down, one of my faux Crocs slipped off my foot. For some reason, I believed it essential I save the thing and so I did by grabbing it and clutching it to my breast. It felt like I was dropping down the chute at a water park. I tried to turn my body so I could apply some friction to slow or stop my fall. I got part way around when I popped out of the tube, flew about five feet through the air and with a loud “oomf,” landed face down onto what felt like soft moss. I was sopping wet and in pain all over. I was still grasping the phony Croc like it had saved my life. Eventually, I moved my head a bit and glimpsed a small pond a few feet away from where I lay. I could hear the plopping sound of water dribbling into the pond. I appeared to be lying in a small clearing a forest. I spied the little guy standing at the edge of the clearing. When he saw me looking at him, he ran off into the woods and disappeared. “You rat bastard,” I croaked after him.

Slowly and agonizingly, I worked my way onto my back, looked up into the clear blue sky, and shouted “I am not Alice.”

Four days later, I returned home. Neither Hayden nor Dick seemed aware that I had been gone. What was even more strange was that they also seemed not to notice my appearance. I was almost naked wearing only a few rags and of course the phony Crocs. My beard was long and braided. On my chest I sported a tattoo of a naked mole rat standing fully erect and above it in large red bank gothic the words “Fuck Trump.” A stud, shaped like a human thigh bone, pierced my left earlobe.

Disappointed at their lack of reaction, I stomped off the bathroom, showered, shaved, removed the thigh bone stud and put myself to bed. The next morning Dick woke me up to drive Hayden to school.

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INTRODUCTION

 

The following is the first book of the mysterious manuscript I discovered at the bottom of a Skippy’s Peanut Butter jar. According to the author, Joe (no relation), the typface used in the manuscript was “…Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.”

 

Regretfully that typeface cannot be reproduced here.

Papa Joe.

 

JOE’S BIBLE – SUI GENESIS I

 

HOW GOD CREATES EVERYTHING AND FUCKS IT UP ANYWAY

 

1. Long long ago (about 5000 years ago in fact), there lived GOD and nobody else and it was dark.

 

2. And with GOD was the WORD and the word was “YOWEE, that hurts. Who put the fucking trumpet in front of the bathroom door? Let there be light,” and the universe was cleft in twain because only a YOWEE can cleft a twain and there was light.

 

3. And GOD said “that’s better” and he named the light “Day” and the dark “Night.

 

4. “Why?” said the Word.

 

5. “Because,” said GOD “you couldn’t call the day night could you? And by the way who the hell are you?”

 

6. “I am the Word,” Word answered. “I am here with Ghost. We are all together in this, whatever this is.”

 

7. “How come I never met you two before,” asked GOD?

 

8. “Because this is the first Levee`,” said Ghost. “And by-the-way it’s still dark at night and we could still trip over things. You’re the Creator you should do something about it.”

 

9. “All this creating has tired me out”, said the Creator. ” Maybe I will work on it tomorrow.” And GOD saw that this was a good idea.

 

9. And so they went to bed, but the Creator could not sleep because he had never slept with two guys before and it made him uncomfortable.

 

10. And on the second Levee`, GOD arose but could not separate the waters from the firmament and Ghost suggested a laxative and GOD saw it was good.

 

11. Then GOD said, “what’s the use of a Levee` if there is no one to watch it.”

And so the Creator created many, many (Word called it”a shit load”. Him of course being good with words and all) beings he called “Angels” and ordered them to all look at him at all times which irked one of the Angels called Lucifer Morning-Star because it was very boring since there was really nothing to look at except GOD sitting on his throne trying to separate the waters from his firmament.

 

12. And Lucifer spoke “What is this crap? We all look like nancy-boys with our ringlets. And besides there you sit 15 feet tall, long white hair and beard, rippling muscles and a three and a half-foot dong and what do we get, these little fucking wings, and a shift for GOD’s sake with nothing under it .“

 

13. After Lucifer spoke all the Angels started grumbling.

 

14. Sensing trouble GOD said “Stop it all of you. I admit Lucifer has got a point there. I am new at this creator stuff. I’ll tell you what, I’ll consider giving you all dongs, of course much smaller than mine, when I figure out what it is good for. Let me sleep on it and think it over.”

 

15. And the Angels appeared satisfied with that except for Lucifer but he held his peace.

 

16. Seeing this the Creator turned to Word and Ghost and said, “We have got to keep an eye on that one we do.” And GOD agreed with himself that that was a good idea.

 

17. And on the third Levee as GOD sat on his throne amidst his angels hoping the laxative would do him some good, the Creator said, “Ghost since thou art my spirit get thee below me and gather the waters that I shall call the ‘Seas’ in one place and let the hard stuff appear that I shall call ‘Earth’.”

 

18. And the Word said,”Why are you talking like that with all those thees and thous?”

 

19. “Because I thought that sounded more GOD like,” answered the Creator.

 

20. And so the spirit of GOD passed over the waters and did as he was told and GOD did not feel better because it stunk up the place and thus the Creator said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind and oh do not forget flowers, sweet-smelling flowers.” And it was so.

 

21. And GOD said, “that’s a pretty good days work,” and went off to bed.

 

22. On the fourth Levee GOD sat on his throne amidst all his Angels and he thought and after a while he said “This day and night thing is a little too bland for my taste. I think I’ll put these sparkly things up in the night…ah sky and call them stars and don’t ask me why I call them that they just seem like stars.”

 

23. “Still too dark,” observed Word.

 

24. “OK,” the Creator agreed, “I’ll add this big silver thing the…Moon. I like that the Moooon. Sounds good. And to balance things out, I’ll add this yellow thing here in the day and call it the Sun.” And before anyone else could speak he glared at everyone and said “What else would I call it?”

 

25. Word and Ghost agreed and Ghost said he liked the color scheme so far.

 

26. And on the Fifth Levee`, GOD sat on his throne amidst his adoring Angels and peered between his legs at the seas and the earth below him and said, “I know its pretty, but its boring I think we need a little action.”

 

27. And so the Creator got to work and said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of things that move around, and let there be things that fly about the seas and the earth.” And GOD was still not satisfied so the Creator said, “Let the land also bring forth things that move about.” And the Platypus, the Gnu and lots of slimy things came out upon the earth. And upon seeing this the Creator said, “Uh..let me be clearer, let there be things like Cows and insects and Tigers and Elephants yes especially Elephants and things like that.” And so it was done.

 

29. Then the Creator said, “I have got a great idea on how to really liven things up,” and he divided each animal into two and to one he gave a dong a lot like his but mostly smaller except for the very big animals because he thought it would look strange if it were too small and probably would not work anyway, each according to his kind and to the other a deep slippery hole in which to the dong fit pretty comfortably in most part and then the Creator said to all the things that moved on the earth, in the air and in the seas, “Now go fuck your selves silly and increase and multiply and fill the earth and kill and eat one another with lots of blood and screaming and things like that.” And GOD was happy and took a nap because this was a really hard day for him.

 

30. And on the fifth Levee` GOD sat on his Throne amidst the adoring Angels and said, “You know I would really like something that looks like me and all this naming and watching over things is getting annoying so we could assign him to do that.”

 

31 And so the Creator took some of the stuff floating under the Throne of GOD and created something in his own image but instead of being 15 feet tall, covered in hair, with rippling muscles and a 3 and a half-foot dong (Called the ‘Dong of GOD’ or ‘Ding Dong’) the thing was about 5 ft 6 inches tall a bit flabby, not too much hair and its dong barely 5 inches long. And GOD approved and called it Adam because he did not like Word’s suggestion that it be called Irving.

 

32. Then the Creator reached again into the muck and molded something into which Adam could fit his little dong and called it Lilith.

 

33. Then Gabriel, one of the Angels, looked at Lilith closely and said, “Yowee, what are those things?”

 

34. “Knockers,” said GOD thinking quickly.

 

35. Then GOD, a little peeved at the Angels reaction to Lilith, said to the Heavenly Host, “Forget her, I want you all to bow down and worship my man Adam.”

 

36. “That does it,” said Lucifer, “Im pissed. First you have not delivered on the dongs and…”.

 

37. And GOD, sensing trouble, immediately had the Creator pass out dongs to Lucifer and a few of the other Angels that seemed to agree with him and said, “Does that satisfy you now?”

 

38. “Not really,” said Lucifer. “You told us when we were created that we were your right hand..uh Angels and now you want us to bow before this pissants (Lucifer was pretty good with words himself) midget GOD and we still have these goddamn shifts and fruity little wings.”

 

39. And with that Rafael, another angel, bitch slapped him good and hard and all hell broke out in Heaven with angels pulling each others hair and rolling on the ground and the like.

 

40. “Do something,” said Ghost to the Creator. “You created them.” But just then GOD’s firmament moved and he was preoccupied.

 

41. And so it came to pass that Gabriel and his nancy-boys drove Lucifer and his biker friends from heaven. Not that they wanted to stay there anyway because tomorrow was Sabbath and the day of their weekly motorcycle rally along Coast Highway.

 

42. So when Gabriel returned, GOD thought it would be a good Idea to give him a reward for his efforts and gave him the old trumpet he had lying abound and was always tripping over.

 

43. “Blow Gabriel Blow,” GOD directed. And Gabriel did blow and the sound that came out was so horrid and loud that GOD could feel the waters under his throne splashing his nether parts.

 

44. “Hmm,” GOD said to Gabriel, “instead of blowing on your horn right now how’s about I give you all these little harps you can play on and maybe, you know, you can organize a heavenly chorus?”

 

45. GOD seeing the Gabriel seemed a bit dejected said to him, “Trust me Gabriel hold off on blowing the trumpet right now and I promise you that the next time you do my firmament will return to the waters.” And that cheered Gabriel greatly.

 

46. in addition to the chorus, Gabriel, Raphael, Michael and Ringo formed a rock band that they called Big G and the Archangels and they all dressed in sequins that sparkled in the light and put on a show for GOD.

 

47. And then the Word, while God listened to the Gabriel’s band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, whispered to the other two they would be a great lead act for the next Levee`, and the Creator said “that’s a good idea.”

 

49. Then, after the concert, GOD announced, “Thats it. I’ve had enough of this creating. I’m taking tomorrow off.”

 

50. And with that GOD got up, left his throne, went back to bed and slept through all the next day.

 

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