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Posts Tagged ‘God’

spinoza-final

Driven indoors by the rains and tired of bad movies and worse novels, I decided to curl up with a little Spinoza.

Spinoza’s first name is either Bento as his Portuguese family named him or Baruch as the Dutch Jewish community referred to him or Benedictus as Christians called him. He lived in the mid-Seventeenth Century at the start of the Enlightenment. Many consider him along with Bacon, Descartes and Locke one of its founders.

To me at least, I think Spinoza and Francis of Assisi, are two of the few Saints produced in the 1200 years of western historical tradition (a small list that includes Groucho Marx, Hildegard of Bingen and Maria Callas). Although they may appear to many to be polar opposites, one rational the other transcendental; one believed in avoiding pain; and the other welcomed it; one thought this life is all one has to live and the other welcomed an afterlife, they have many similarities.

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They both believed God and Nature were one and that to live a moral life we should behave frugally, and treat generously ourselves, humanity and nature. They also believed acceptance of ritual whether religious or social, although they may be necessary for one to live comfortably in one’s culture, are often independent of and at times inimical to a moral, kind and generous life. Spinoza refused to accept the rituals of his Jewish culture were synonymous with rational thought and morality and so willingly suffered excommunication (cherem) from the society he loved. Francis, who rejected the materialism of his society as inconsistent with his ecstatic morality, also separated himself from those he loved.

If Francis is the patron saint of the environment, Spinoza most certainly could be considered the patron saint of science.

Spinoza Factoids: On the Chair’s table in the Dutch Parliament, Spinoza’s Tractatus theologico-politicus is one of three books, thought to be most representative of the beliefs and ethics of the Dutch people; the other two are the Bible and the Quran.

In the early Star Trek episode, “Where No Man Has Gone Before,” the antagonist, Gary Mitchell is seen reading Spinoza and the dialogue implies that Captain Kirk also may have read him as part of his studies at Star-fleet Academy (which may be the reason why to me Kirk always appeared a bit constipated. On the other hand I am sure Captain Picard read Spinoza and he was better off for it.)
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We arrived at IHOP about 10 minutes late. Martin Vihn had not yet arrived. I took a seat at a booth against the back wall and sat down facing the entrance. Joe slipped into the seat opposite me. A window was on my left through which I watched a man assemble a sidewalk stand. The waitress brought the menus. Joe got right down to studying it. I watched the man struggle with some pipes that held up an awning over his stand while I thought about my upcoming meeting with Vihn. My usual bouts with fear and uncertainty slithered through my mind like minks in heat. The worst part was wondering about what people, like Mavis or Fat Al would say if I was wrong and died. I imagined something like, “What on earth possessed him to take such a risk.” Last night I thought I had good and compelling reasons, but now I realized they were mere rationalizations for whatever was so deeply imbedded in my psyche that impelled me to act as I did.

Nothing new in that, I have become convinced most of the reasons we tell ourselves that we need to do something have little to do with why we do whatever it is we end up doing. They are merely a handy thing, whenever we are successful, to tell ourselves and others. You know, “I knew what I was doing all along.”

Joe brought me out of my musings. “I’m having the Belgian waffles. What about you?”

“I’ll probably have the blueberry short stack and fried eggs. For some reason I always get the same thing when I come here.”

Martin Vihn entered the restaurant followed by two of the young men I had seen before. One was dressed like Joe in tee-shirt and windbreaker. The other had on a dark hoodie. Martin had on a dark blue jacket over a white button down shirt and jeans. He came over to our table.

“Sorry I’m late. Traffic and parking”

Joe slid out from his seat. Said, “I’ll sit with Vinnie and Chang.” He walked over to the table where the other two young men who accompanied Vihn sat. Vu’s arrival prompted a lot of laughing and fist bumping. Martin nodded to him and sat in the seat Joe vacated. The waitress arrived and we ordered. She then went over to the table where Joe and the others sat.

“Any word from the police on the cause of Clarence’s death?”, he asked.

“The autopsy scheduled for later this morning. The cops are being close-mouthed.”

“How do you think he died?”

“I’m not paid to guess.”

Martin rarely raises his voice but his anger blazed out of his eyes like campfire embers poked with a stick. “I’m paying you and if it is your opinion I want than then it is your opinion I’ll get.”

“He could have been walking along the shore reciting poetry tripped and fallen into the bay and drowned. I doubt whether it makes much or a difference to anyone how he died, even to the murderer, if he was murdered.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I can’t see you shipping drugs or anything else illegal this way. By reputation, you’ve been able to bring thing like that into the States with no problems in the past. There’s too many better ways. Dropping packages into the water offshore at night, trans-shipping through Alaska. Even if you were to do something like this, certainly not through the Port of Oakland. There are other less watched small ports like Eureka and Redwood City. So, I can’t figure you for something like a dope deal in this case. So, I ask myself, although he is such a prick I am sure a lot of people would like him dead, why would anyone involved in this case kill Clarence? Then there is the hiring of me. It can’t be all that important to hire a second-rate shamus like me.” I stopped there and stared at him.

Martin’s silence lasted a long time as he stared at me. Our orders arrived before he answered and we began eating. After swallowing his first bite, Martin sat back and said:

“Look, whatever you think I may also be mixed up in, I am also a legitimate business man. I invested in a business to import into America furniture made in South-east Asia. Now the man who talked me into the investment and was supposed to manage the business is gone along with he merchandise.”

“But even so, two containers of furniture could not have been valuable enough for all your interest, not to mention knocking off Reilly if in fact he was killed.”

“You figured it out already. You’re cheap. I only spent $1000 dollars so far.”

“What about Joe?”

Vihn looked down at the table for a while. “He’s my brother’s son. I care about him. He refuses to go to college and is too interested in the wrong part of the family business. I thought following you around a while would help to get him interested in something else. That was a spur of the moment thing, I’m afraid.

“So you hired me as a babysitter?”

“A thousand dollars a month is pretty cheap for baby sitting these days,” he said with a smile.

We ate our breakfasts in silence. Over coffee I assured him, I will try to find out how Reilly died and what happened to the furniture.

I then asked, “What’s Lilly’s role in this?”

“She’s my lawyer.”

“Nothing else.”

“It’s none of your business.”

I smiled, got up, collected Joe and left Vihn to pay the check.

On the way back to the car, I called Mavis. Told her that I would come by that afternoon and that we were going to attend Reilly’s wake.

For some reason the thought of Mavis, death and my current role got me ruminating about God and humor, God’s humor to be precise.

Humans are a fascinating species. I am convinced God created us because he or she (I refuse to take sides on the issue of God’s gender — although the Good Humor Man of my youth was always male) found presiding over the rest of the universe dreadfully dull and craved some amusement. While growing up I always thought that God was the Good Humor man. Every afternoon the Good Humor man rang his bells in front of my house. The sound of those bells filled me with hope. Would your God do as much for you?

I was pulled from my reveries by Joe shouting “Boss, boss!’

I stared at him as the world around me came into focus.

“Is there something wrong? You were talking on the phone and then you just stopped staring off at nothing. Are you OK? You thinking about the case? “

“Yeah. I’m OK. Rule whatever number… in private investigations there are no cases only assignments. And your current assignment is to find us some ice cream and drive me to Crissy Field.”

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English: Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx...

English: Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx, cropped from group photo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now I know it may sound unbelievable to many of you but for those under 40 years old, Groucho Marx may be virtually forgotten and I doubt if any of my grand children if they read this have any idea who he is.

Well, to me Groucho Marx is the greatest philosopher of the 20th Century.

“Wait a minute,” some of you may exclaim. “Groucho was a comedian, not a philosopher.”

To which, by way of response, I direct your attention the Greeks of classical antiquity. To these progenitors of many “Western” cultural and intellectual beliefs, comedy and tragedy were just two ways of expressing truth. In the radical dualism of which the ancient Greeks were so fond, humanity’s experience was of only two types; either all your hopes and dreams turn to shit or, if you survive, they still are shit but you can laugh at them. There is nothing more in the cards for humanity except terminal boredom.

Before Groucho, the worlds greatest comedian was Machiavelli, who I have sometimes quoted in these posts. Before him, in my opinion the world’s greatest comedian was Socrates. Plato was a fascist jerk and Aristotle a woolly headed liberal.

Aristotle

Aristotle (Photo credit: Lawrence OP)

Now some of you may say whoa, ”Aristotle a liberal?” “How can that be? Over the years some of the most autocratic people and institutions (like the Catholic Church) relied upon Aristotle to crush the human spirit?“

As Leo Rosten said, “A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they’re dead.” There is nothing so liberal that a few centuries later a conservative could not find useful to beat away challenges to his prerequisites. For example nearly 50 years after Marx, that arch-conservative Lenin saw in Communism something with which he could beat up a group of doddering superstitious autocrats and take over their empire (and while he was at it crushing the inept liberal Mensheviks along the way). Later Stalin had Trotsky killed to make sure Marx received the same treatment that Spencer gave Darwin.

Why do modern conservatives reject Darwinism when Spencer and his “survival of the fittest” did so much to make him their favorite scientist through most of the last century? I guess they found God. He is after all the ultimate survivor. As one supporter of conservative causes has written, “Jesus was against the minimum wage,” and the Bible “absolutely condemned” the estate tax, and opposed the progressive income tax also. This, of course, leads me back to Groucho and his immortal line, “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

History is often funny in a sad sort of way or as Groucho would say,

“Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?”

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners taken to the gallows (after a fair trial of course) passed by the pub on their way  to be hanged

The horse-drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ”ONE LAST DRINK.”

If he said YES, it was referred to as “ONE FOR THE ROAD.”

If he declined, that prisoner was “ON THE WAGON.”

So there you go… More bleeding history.

On thing about Groucho he never was one to curry favor. He once famously observed, “It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

Speaking of to “curry favor,” it comes to that part of the world that actually speaks english  from Australia, so let’s put some ‘strine’ on the barbie, shall we?

It seems that at some point the inmates of the penal colony that was Australia decided that they wanted to improve their image in the world so that they would no longer appear to be what they were, criminals. They discovered that it was fashionable in certain circles to adopt the appearance of being civilized to cover the rough edges, so to speak. They decided that this was a good idea and they would do so too.

The first thing civilized thing they did was to start killing the aboriginal inhabitants that they were sharing their country with or driving them off the land that they, the civilizers, wanted for themselves. The second civilized thing they did was for a few of them to become as rich as Midas by destroying as much or the land as they could and where necessary killing anyone who stood in the way. The third civilized thing they introduced was gambling venues at which these new rich could flaunt their money. Since gambling casinos were considered immoral at the time, the most civilized gambling activity they could consider was horse racing.

Soon a lot of money was spent to find the fastest horse of them all so that someone could boast that he owned it. At one time that horse was named Favor.

Now, there is a comb or brush used to remove tangles or burrs from a horses coat. It is called a currying comb or brush. Now I assume at the

English: Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones ...

English: Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones in the early days (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

time people were lined up for the chance to brush the famous horse much like groupies lined up at a Rolling Stone concert for a chance to be shagged by Keith Richards. And that’s were we get the expression to “Curry Favor.” ——- No. to brush the horse, not get shagged by Keith Richards, that’s called something else.

For a horse of a different color, they used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were “PISS POOR,” but worse than that were the really poor folk, who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot, they “DIDN’T HAVE A POT TO PISS IN” and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

 

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Last night unable to fall asleep, I looked around for things that would help me do so. I decided to calculate, with the help of the word counter program on one of my applications, the number of words I had written over the past two years. It turned out I had written about one million words.

Now what’s that all about? One Million words. That seems like a lot of words.

Why would anyone in their right mind write so much and not get paid for it? It’s like standing in a closed room and talking to yourself; that’s the definition of nuts.

One million words. That would be like writing 10 slim books or 5 longer boring ones.

And why was I awake at night adding up all this stuff about words I have written? Who cares?

That’s like figuring out how much I shit over the past two years. Since I shit about a little over pound a day, after two years I would have shit about 800 pounds. That is four times my weight.

So after two years, what I have to show for it all is one million words and 800 pounds of shit.

At least you can do something positive with the shit, spread in on some farm land and grow things. But, what does one do with used words.

What happens to all these words anyway? When you press the send button on your computer or whatever it is that you do, where do they go or where are they before or after someone reads them? Somebody once told me they are in a server someplace. Does that mean somewhere there is a server with a little electronic compartment called “Joey’s words?” Someone else said they just float around in the ether. Wouldn’t these trillions and trillions of words floating around overhead eventually become too heavy and come crashing down burying us all under tons of broken letters?

Frightening, no?

If I wrote all one million words on pieces of paper instead of into a computer, besides a bad case of writers cramp, I would have about 5000 pieces of note paper covered in scribbled words lying around my room.

That doesn’t seem so bad.

My little bookcase with my thirty or so books have more than that. My personal libraries over the years probably consisted of about 15,000 books containing over a billion words.

Why do we need so many words? Why would anyone read a billion words?

Think about it, every day probably 100 billion words are written and that’s just those written down. There must be a million times more words than that spoken. Why?

Maybe we are all made up of just words.

You know, if you ask a physicist what the universe is made of he will tell you “energy.” What the hell is that, “energy?” Well, the physicist probably will explain, it is like sunlight or electricity all waves or pulses. What the hell does that mean? Nothing.

Why not words? After all the Bible says in the beginning there was the Word. Maybe way back in the beginning all was silent. Maybe there was a prior universe and in that universe they said everything that could be said and so there was nothing more to talk or write about and everything became very quiet. The universe was sort of like a big deathly silent library.

Then, all of a sudden, someone said something like, “Oh shit, I dropped my fucking pencil,” and then everyone started talking a once.

“Boom” the “Big Bang,” words spreading out at the speed of light creating word galaxies, stars and solar systems.

And what about the “dark energy” the physicists tell us makes up most of our universe? Could it actually be “Dark Words?” Could they be those words floating around in people’s minds that no-one ever hears or sees?

Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

So what about my 1 million words? Don’t I have something better to do with my time?

The Little Masseuse spends much of her time knitting wool scarves. She does it while watching television, riding on a bus or at work. After all, there is not that much to do at a health club but hand out towels and give a massage now and then.

But wool scarves? This is Thailand for God’s sake. What would a Thai know about wool scarves? It never gets cold here. If they actually wore them, they would probably die of heat prostration. They probably saw them in some old western movie about rich people at some expensive resort in the Alps and thought they were fashion accessories beloved by westerners. It had to be old movies. Nowadays, when one goes skiing, one wears a sleek brightly colored outfit made of plastic that makes one look like an idiot robot or a cartoon character.

Anyway, sometimes she sells them to westerners at the health club.

What’s that all about?

Why would someone come all the way to Thailand and buy a woolen scarf instead of one of those fake traditional Thai handicrafts sold on the sidewalks along most of the streets in Bangkok? Or, one of those carved wooden penises that the Thai’s seem to like so much and carry around in their pockets or attached to a key chain or dangling from a string tied around their necks?

And, what is all that about penises being good luck? Come on guys when has your penis actually brought good luck; a little fun perhaps, but good luck, probably not. More than likely, the damn thing brings you a lot of bad luck if you ask me.

Anyway, there are wool scarves stuffed everywhere throughout my apartment. I bought a bunch of them from her just to bring them to the US to get rid of them.

No, I am not going to take up knitting instead of senselessly spewing out words to pass my time.

Perhaps I can go and play checkers in a bar somewhere every day.

Does anyone play checkers anymore? Probably not, they now most likely play video games on their iPhones complete with sound effects.

I could grow tomatoes. That’s what old Italian men do. My father did it and his father before him. They were not farmers, they grew the tomatoes in their back yards or along the side of the driveway.

My father loved his tomatoes, obsessed over them. At times I thought he loved his tomatoes more than his family. Between my father and my grandfather they must have grown a million tomatoes. That’s a lot of tomatoes.

It’s frightening really what people chose to do with their lives.

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HOW GOD TRIED BUT STILL COULDN’T GET THINGS 
RIGHT

1. Well, after resting for a day GOD went 
walking in his garden and came upon Adam who 
appeared unhappy and God said onto Adam,
“Hey, my man Adam, wasp? Why so glum chum?”

2. And Adam answered, “It’s Lilith, you know, 
she always wants to be on top, and goes around 
renaming things that I already named and 
things like that and I think she’s sleeping 
around. I don’t know what to do about it anymore.”

3. “That bad is it?”, said GOD. “Normally I don’t 
like to involve my-selves in domestic matters, 
but seeing as how unhappy you are on this 
glorious first day after I created everything, 
I’ll see what I can do,” and so God called 
Lilith in for a little talk.

4. “Lilith,” said GOD, “Whats this about you not 
listening to Adam and going around naming things 
yourself?”

5. And Lilith answered, “What! Has that little pencil 
dick gone complaining to you? Now see here, you made 
me out of the same stuff you made him and whatever 
he can do I can do and probably better.”

6. “Well,” God said “Maybe if you just let him get 
on top now and then he would feel better and not 
come complaining to me so often.”

7. “Screw you pops,” said Lilith. “You gave me 
this hole instead of a rod and I’m going to use 
it the way I like it best. What would you know 
about it anyway? Even with that three and a 
half-foot dong of yours you probably have not 
gotten laid since creation.”

8. And GOD began to get a bit peeved and said, 
“Ha, that’s how much you know. I’m quite in 
demand among the goddesses hereabout. In fact 
whenever old Zeus is out screwing that bull-dyke 
Europa, I’m right up on Olympus there giving 
Hera a bump or two. And I must be pretty good too 
because she never says ‘Oh Zeus’, no, it’s always 
‘Oh GOD, Oh my GOD, Yowee”. And with that he glared 
at Lilith with a smug expression.

9. “Ok,” said Lilith, “if you’re so good how 
about giving me a tumble GODY. I’m getting a 
little tired of old limp dick over there.”

10. And with that GOD jumped up and shouted, 
“Get thee gone hussy before I smite thee,” for 
if truth were known he had only slept with 
Word and Ghost since creation and was sorely 
embarrassed.

11. “OK” said Lilith. “Keep your drawers on. 
I’m happy to go. This place is getting on my 
nerves anyway with all that naming this and 
naming that. I think I’ll go find old Lucifer 
Morning Star, I hear he’s forming a hot band, 
all dressed in black vinyl with scarlet piping 
and horns and tails. That’s pretty hot. Not 
like your prancing nancy-boys in their sequined 
tights.” And, with that she bounced her knockers 
once or twice, turned and with a swish of her 
buttocks strode off.

12. After a while GOD went to Adam and said, 
Look here my boy, I am giving you a divorce. 
Yes I know you are not supposed to divorce, but 
Gods can do that sort of thing if they want to.”

13. And Adam began to cry and said, “But, I’ll 
be all alone and I was just getting the hang 
of it and those knockers…”

14. “OK. OK, I get your point. I’ll have the 
Creator make you another playmate.” And with 
that GOD put Adam to sleep and the Word reminded 
the Creator that Lilith felt she could boss Adam 
around because she was made from the same stuff 
as he was.

15. “I know,” said the Creator. "I’m thinking of 
taking part of Adam here and making his companion. 
In that way the idiot will always think that she 
is only a small part of him. I think I’ll take 
one of his ribs, I may have made too many of them 
originally anyway.”

16. And the Creator formed Adam’s companion out 
of his rib and as he was doing so he paused for 
a moment over her knockers and thought fondly of 
Lilith’s but then with a sigh made these a little 
smaller, well actually a lot smaller.

17. Then Adam awoke and GOD introduced him to 
her whom GOD called Eve just to piss everyone 
off who wanted him to call her Miriam.

18. And Adam saw her and said, “This at last 
is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she 
shall be called Woman, because she was taken out 
of Man.”

19. Than Adam said, “Thanks GOD. Is there anything 
I can do for you?”

20. And GOD said, “Yes in fact there is. Although 
you may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 
but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil 
you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of 
it you shall die.”

21. “Woah,” said Adam, “that’s pretty harsh. What 
do you call this place anyway?”

22. “Eden” said GOD.

23. A river flowed out of Eden to water the 
garden, and there it divided and became four 
rivers. The name of the first is Pishon; it 
is the one which flows around the whole land of 
Havilah, where there is gold; and the gold of 
that land is good; bdellium and onyx stone are 
there. The name of the second river is Gihon; 
it is the one which flows around the whole land 
of Cush. And the name of the third river is Tigris, 
which flows east of Assyria. And the fourth river 
is the Euphrates.

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th

INTRODUCTION

 

The following is the first book of the mysterious manuscript I discovered at the bottom of a Skippy’s Peanut Butter jar. According to the author, Joe (no relation), the typeface used in the manuscript was “…Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.”

 

Regretfully that typeface cannot be reproduced here.

Papa Joe.

 

JOE’S BIBLE – SUI GENESIS I

 

HOW GOD CREATES EVERYTHING AND FUCKS IT UP ANYWAY

 

1. Long long ago (about 5000 years ago in fact), there lived GOD and nobody else and it was dark.

 

2. And with GOD was the WORD and the word was “YOWEE, that hurts. Who put the fucking trumpet in front of the bathroom door? Let there be light,” and the universe was cleft in twain because only a YOWEE can cleft a twain and there was light.

 

3. And GOD said “that’s better” and he named the light “Day” and the dark “Night.

 

4. “Why?” said the Word.

 

5. “Because,” said GOD “you couldn’t call the day night could you? And by the way who the hell are you?”

 

6. “I am the Word,” Word answered. “I am here with Ghost. We are all together in this, whatever this is.”

 

7. “How come I never met you two before,” asked GOD?

 

8. “Because this is the first Levee`,” said Ghost. “And by-the-way it’s still dark at night and we could still trip over things. You’re the Creator you should do something about it.”

 

9. “All this creating has tired me out”, said the Creator. ” Maybe I will work on it tomorrow.” And GOD saw that this was a good idea.

 

9. And so they went to bed, but the Creator could not sleep because he had never slept with two guys before and it made him uncomfortable.

 

10. And on the second Levee`, GOD arose but could not separate the waters from the firmament and Ghost suggested a laxative and GOD saw it was good.

 

11. Then GOD said, “what’s the use of a Levee` if there is no one to watch it.”

And so the Creator created many, many (Word called it”a shit load”. Him, of course, being good with words and all) beings he called “Angels” and ordered them to all look at him at all times which irked one of the Angels called Lucifer Morning-Star because it was very boring since there was really nothing to look at except GOD sitting on his throne trying to separate the waters from his firmament.

 

12. And Lucifer spoke “What is this crap? We all look like nancy-boys with our ringlets. And besides there you sit 15 feet tall, long white hair and beard, rippling muscles and a three and a half-foot dong and what do we get, these little fucking wings, and a shift for GOD’s sake with nothing under it .“

 

13. After Lucifer spoke all the Angels started grumbling.

 

14. Sensing trouble GOD said “Stop it all of you. I admit Lucifer has got a point there. I am new at this creator stuff. I’ll tell you what, I’ll consider giving you all dongs, of course much smaller than mine, when I figure out what it is good for. Let me sleep on it and think it over.”

 

15. And the Angels appeared satisfied with that except for Lucifer but he held his peace.

 

16. Seeing this the Creator turned to Word and Ghost and said, “We have got to keep an eye on that one we do.” And GOD agreed with himself that that was a good idea.

 

17. And on the third Levee as GOD sat on his throne amidst his angels hoping the laxative would do him some good, the Creator said, “Ghost since thou art my spirit get thee below me and gather the waters that I shall call the ‘Seas’ in one place and let the hard stuff appear that I shall call ‘Earth’.”

 

18. And the Word said, ”Why are you talking like that with all those thees and thous?”

 

19. “Because I thought that sounded more GOD like,” answered the Creator.

 

20. And so the spirit of GOD passed over the waters and did as he was told and GOD did not feel better because it stunk up the place and thus the Creator said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind and oh do not forget flowers, sweet-smelling flowers.” And it was so.

 

21. And GOD said, “that’s a pretty good days work,” and went off to bed.

 

22. On the fourth Levee, GOD sat on his throne amidst all his Angels and he thought and after a while, he said “This day and night thing is a little too bland for my taste. I think I’ll put these sparkly things up in the night…ah, sky and call them stars and don’t ask me why I call them that they just seem like stars.”

 

23. “Still too dark,” observed Word.

 

24. “OK,” the Creator agreed, “I’ll add this big silver thing the…Moon. I like that the Moooon. Sounds good. And to balance things out, I’ll add this yellow thing here in the day and call it the Sun.” And before anyone else could speak he glared at everyone and said: “What else would I call it?”

 

25. Word and Ghost agreed and Ghost said he liked the color scheme so far.

 

26. And on the Fifth Levee`, GOD sat on his throne amidst his adoring Angels and peered between his legs at the seas and the earth below him and said, “I know its pretty, but its boring I think we need a little action.”

 

27. And so the Creator got to work and said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of things that move around, and let there be things that fly about the seas and the earth.” And GOD was still not satisfied so the Creator said, “Let the land also bring forth things that move about.” And the Platypus, the Gnu and lots of slimy things came out upon the earth. And upon seeing this the Creator said, “Uh..let me be clearer, let there be things like Cows and insects and Tigers and Elephants yes especially Elephants and things like that.” And so it was done.

 

29. Then the Creator said, “I have got a great idea on how to really liven things up,” and he divided each animal into two and to one he gave a dong a lot like his but mostly smaller except for the very big animals because he thought it would look strange if it were too small and probably would not work anyway, each according to his kind and to the other a deep slippery hole in which to the dong fit pretty comfortably in most part and then the Creator said to all the things that moved on the earth, in the air and in the seas, “Now go fuck your selves silly and increase and multiply and fill the earth and kill and eat one another with lots of blood and screaming and things like that.” And GOD was happy and took a nap because this was a really hard day for him.

 

30. And on the fifth Levee` GOD sat on his Throne amidst the adoring Angels and said, “You know I would really like something that looks like me and all this naming and watching over things is getting annoying so we could assign him to do that.”

 

31 And so the Creator took some of the stuff floating under the Throne of GOD and created something in his own image but instead of being 15 feet tall, covered in hair, with rippling muscles and a 3 and a half-foot dong (Called the ‘Dong of GOD’ or ‘Ding Dong’) the thing was about 5 ft 6 inches tall a bit flabby, not too much hair and its dong barely 5 inches long. And GOD approved and called it Adam because he did not like Word’s suggestion that it be called Irving.

 

32. Then the Creator reached again into the muck and molded something into which Adam could fit his little dong and called it Lilith.

 

33. Then Gabriel, one of the Angels, looked at Lilith closely and said, “Yowee, what are those things?”

 

34. “Knockers,” said GOD thinking quickly.

 

35. Then GOD, a little peeved at the Angels’ reaction to Lilith, said to the Heavenly Host, “Forget her, I want you all to bow down and worship my man Adam.”

 

36. “That does it,” said Lucifer, “I’m pissed. First, you have not delivered on the dongs and…”.

 

37. And GOD, sensing trouble, immediately had the Creator pass out dongs to Lucifer and a few of the other Angels that seemed to agree with him and said, “Does that satisfy you now?”

 

38. “Not really,” said Lucifer. “You told us when we were created that we were your right hand..uh Angels and now you want us to bow before this pissants (Lucifer was pretty good with words himself) midget GOD and we still have these goddamn shifts and fruity little wings.”

 

39. And with that Rafael, another angel, bitch slapped him good and hard and all hell broke out in Heaven with angels pulling each other’s hair and rolling on the ground and the like.

 

40. “Do something,” said Ghost to the Creator. “You created them.” But just then GOD’s firmament moved and he was preoccupied.

 

41. And so it came to pass that Gabriel and his nancy-boys drove Lucifer and his biker friends from heaven. Not that they wanted to stay there anyway because tomorrow was Sabbath and the day of their weekly motorcycle rally along Coast Highway.

 

42. So when Gabriel returned, GOD thought it would be a good Idea to give him a reward for his efforts and gave him the old trumpet he had lying around and was always tripping over.

 

43. “Blow Gabriel Blow,” GOD directed. And Gabriel did blow and the sound that came out was so horrid and loud that GOD could feel the waters under his throne splashing his nether parts.

 

44. “Hmm,” GOD said to Gabriel, “instead of blowing on your horn right now how’s about I give you all these little harps you can play on and maybe, you know, you can organize a heavenly chorus?”

 

45. GOD seeing the Gabriel seemed a bit dejected said to him, “Trust me Gabriel hold off on blowing the trumpet right now and I promise you that the next time you do my firmament will return to the waters.” And that cheered Gabriel greatly.

 

46. in addition to the chorus, Gabriel, Raphael, Michael, and Ringo formed a rock band that they called Big G and the Archangels and they all dressed in sequins that sparkled in the light and put on a show for GOD.

 

47. And then the Word, while God listened to Gabriel’s band playing “When the Saints Go Marching In”, whispered to the other two they would be a great lead act for the next Levee`, and the Creator said, “that’s a good idea.”

 

49. Then, after the concert, GOD announced, “That’s it. I’ve had enough of this creating. I’m taking tomorrow off.”

 

50. And with that GOD got up, left his throne, went back to bed and slept through all the next day.

 

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The following is the introduction to a retelling of the first few books of Genesis taken from a manuscript whose author is unknown but refers to himself only as “Joe”. The manuscript was discovered by Trenz Pruca laying at the bottom of an extra-large sized jar of Skippy’s Creamy Style peanut butter that he was frantically scraping to dig out the last bits of peanut butter for his usual lunchtime peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white bread.

INTRODUCTION

My Dream:

One night I had a dream and it went something like this:

I dreamt I saw old Abraham in his tent drunk on fermented camel’s milk surrounded by his sons and a few hangers-on. Outside the tent his wives, concubines and female slaves tended the cook fire and drew lots to see who would sleep with the smelly old bastard that night.

Old Abe was raving about the rejection of his application to join the Babylon Men’s Camel Dung Rolling Club when suddenly he realized the truth. “O my Unmentionable Deity, I must be Jewish.”

“Why would I want to join their damned club anyway” he shouted. “They could not be very exclusive if they would allow someone, living in an Unmentionable Deity damned tent like me to join.” And with that, both antisemitism and Jewish humor entered the world at the same time.

“I will form my own club and will not let anyone join. I will show them real exclusivity.”

Isaac, a pimply faced overweight adolescent, fearing this could lead to the end of his sneaking out of the tent at night after the old man passed out  for some action with the sweet-smelling Babylonian girls leaving him only with the dung smelling camel herding sluts his dad preferred, protested, “We can’t do that. We don’t have a membership card or anything.”

Abe stared at Isaac whom he disliked and surmised was probably gay. He thought, “Maybe I should kill him now before he gets a chance to breed.”

“We will make our own membership cards, clay tablets,” Abe announced.

Everyone groaned.

“No, you’re right, too heavy. It will break the line of our robes. Tattoos,” he suggested.
“No, everyone’s got tattoos nowadays.” “I’ve got it,” he exclaimed. “We’ll cut off the ends of our dicks. Nobody will have membership card like that”.

“You got to be kidding,” cried Isaac.
With that, Abe grabbed his knife jumped over the fire grabbed Isaac by the shirt and said, “I’ve had enough of you, you  little shit, prepare to die.”

In good biblical tradition, Isaac thought quickly and lied. “Wait,” he said,”I see the hand of God What’s His Name staying your hand from killing your son because he and all your sons submit to the will of What’s His Name”.

With that, Abe relented killing Isaac. Instead, he cut off the end of the dick of every male present. At the moment of initiation, each one screamed, “Yowee that hurts!”

When it was all over Abe rested. He looked at all his sons writhing in agony on the floor of the tent and said, “You know, I like that. Up to now whenever the guys hung out talking about their gods it was always Ishtar this and Baal that. They would all laugh when I mentioned the God Whose Name Could Not Be Uttered. From now on in recognition of this event whenever we utter we shall utter the name of our all-powerful creator, ‘Yowee’. What do you think?”

In my dream, I wondered how they were going to be able to identify one another as a member of the men’s club. Groping under each other’s tunic was a little more obvious than a Masonic handshake. Maybe they originally held their meetings in the health club shower.

Anyway my dream fast forwarded to 33 AD (although they did not know at the time it was 33 AD, everyone thought it was 3000 years or something since God rested) and the throng (we no longer throng today, we crowd, what a loss) was pressing forward to enter the temple on the sabbath, the day people thronged to the temple, a building that replaced the old health club showers .
The guard at the gate of the temple in Jerusalem stopped one of the throngers who happened to be Jesus of Nazareth.

“Hey you, only Jews allowed to enter the temple. You Jewish? You don’t look Jewish with that fruity double-pointed red beard.”

“My good man,” said Jesus (he was a Rhodes Scholar and had studied in England) “of course I’m Jewish, I speak Hebrew as though I never learned Aramaic.”

“Anyone can learn Hebrew,” responded the guard. “Whip it out and put in on the table.”

Now Jesus had no problem with whipping it out given all the time he spent with the ladies and all that laying of the head on the breast and that sort of thing and he was quite proud of his membership card. So, he whipped it out and everyone getting a look at it exclaimed, “Oh my God!”

“That’s right,” said Jesus, “now all of you get out of my fucking temple.”

Now where Jesus was quite proud in his membership in Judaism, Paul of Tarsus was less so. Where they all marveled at Jesus Membership, they all laughed when Paul whipped his out. So Paul went to the Apostles (the “Come to Jesus’ Marching and Motorcycle Club”) gathered at their clubhouse in Jerusalem (Apostles “gather” they do not “throng or “crowd”) and said to them “This membership card thing isn’t working. It’s too hard to get anyone to join and tithe. Since we’re the new guys (and guys we are) we need a new card. Besides aren’t you all a little tired of having to show your card every time before you give a sermon?”

“Good thought Paul,” said Peter who although not afflicted by the results of being kicked by a horse on the way to Damascus as was Paul, was a shy man. “What should the new membership card be?

“Faith shining through their eyes,” said Paul.

“How would anyone know,questioned Peter?

“We will know. Besides if the light shines through everyone’s eyes what difference would it make.”

Then I woke up and felt inspired to begin writing a new Bible integrating all the people of the Book, the Jews with their Old Testament, the Christians with their New Testament and Muslims with their Koran.

Theology:

Now in writing a bible one of the things one has to wrestle with is theology because no one knows what it is but they all think it is very important so they end up fighting about it all the time.

For example, in each of the Books relied upon by the People of the Book God appears somewhat different.

God’s Personality:

In the Hebrew Bible, Abraham had a lot of different gods to choose from because there were a lot around at that time. He could have chosen a Sun God, all shiny and gold, riding across the sky every day looking like his shit don’t stink. Or he could have chosen one of the Goddess babes that were always sneaking around from tent to tent shagging one God or another or if no God would have them then some mortal that they then out of embarrassment would turn into stone or something gross .

But no, Abe was the worlds first stand-up comic. He thought it would improve his act to choose the one God no one else wanted. He chose the as God for his people the God of insanity.

He was mortified, instead of laughing his audience cheered.

All the other Gods and Goddesses spent their time shagging one another and just about anything else that walked, flew, swam or slithered in, on or under the earth, or they would sometimes play an ancient form of video game, choosing up sides among the Gods and having mortals slaughter each other cheering on their team until one side wins. Oh it must have been great fun.
But not Abe’s choice, He did not join in the fun, instead, He really liked killing. Compared to Him Loki the German god who brought on Ragnarök, the end of the Gods was a choir boy.

In fact, He was a Homicidal Maniac. He wanted His people to kill everyone else and take their land on top of it. If His people lost, He did not just shrug His shoulders and walk away like the other gods, promising to get even later. No, instead He would blame His people. Told them they deserved to lose because they ate pork or something He did not like to eat ( I also hear that he was lactose intolerant).

God liked to eat steak, fish, and okra. In fact, one of the original books of the bible was a list of God’s favorite recipes, but it has been lost.

After God’s chosen people began to lose, God even stopped talking to them, instead communicating to them only through his mouth-pieces he called “Prophets”.
He also did not want anyone mentioning His name, but wherever someone did mention Him they had to capitalize the first letter of whatever word they used to refer to Him.

The God of the Christian Bible, on the other hand, seemed to be a bit of a wuss. Sort of all diffident and misty. He did not seem to say much, leaving all the heavy lifting to His Son. He did, however, hang on to the capitalization thing.

The God of Islam seems to be an OK guy. He spends most of his time creating virgins for His elect when they die and generally left operations to His CEO, Mohammed.

Membership:

On the issue of joining the club, each book had a slightly different approach.

The Hebrews were not particularly interested in new members, preferring to kill them and take their land. The Christians and their God liked to beg them to join first and then if they didn’t, kill them and take their land. And Mohammed seeing the difficulties experienced by his predecessors decided on the up front approach, “Either join us or we will kill you and take your land.”

The problem of women:

Some may ask what about the women?

Well, first of all, Abraham, Jesus, and Mohammed all were men and the first thing on any man’s mind besides killing other men is getting it off with a woman. (There is some question about which side of the plate Jesus batted from, but I think the weight of opinion was that he may have been a switch hitter [He grew up in a Greek neighborhood after all]).

Second, the thing that men hate worst of all is women telling them what to do or having to ask if he could go off with the boys and kill a few enemies and rape their women.

No, the whole People of the Book is a guy thing.
Think about it, would a women dream of having 72 virgins after she dies in battle. Women are smarter than that. First pf all, who needs virgins? They won’t be virgins for long and then what? Also, no women would be taken in by some guy promising her nights of pleasure after she’s dead. Besides, who cleans up the place? She would figure it would probably be her as always.

Sources:

In addition to the old and new Testament and the Koran, I have sometimes used for my material, writings of old Jewish comedians, mostly insane Christian hermits and a few Muslim jihadists.

For example, in the Old Testament, at the end of Genesis I, God creates women out of the same muck from which he created man. In Genesis II, however, we see God creating Eve out of Adam’s rib.

Noticing that discrepancy, some of the old jews suggested that there were two women created. The first one Lilith was clearly a shiksa so the marriage, of course, did not work out and after the divorce, she slept around a lot. Eve, on the other hand, coming from Adam’s own rib was a match made in heaven so to speak.

I also moved the triune God invented by the clearly insane St. John the Evangelist up into Genesis because not even Abraham could conceive of anything a ridiculous as a God with a split personality.

I do not include cites and footnotes of what I steal from others. The authors of the Bible did not, claiming that it all came from the hand of God, so why should I.

Language:

In Genesis I, one may notice a focus on excrement and genitalia like that of a 5-year-old boy. One must remember, Genesis recounts events early in God’s career and does reflect his juvenile phase.

One also may become aware of the use of words and phrases that it is said are not used in polite society. This merely reflects Zipf’s Law that in any language a few words get used a lot.

In current English, the words that appear to be used the most are the words, “shit” and “fuck”. These two words we know can be and are employed for effect in all sorts of situations and can operate comfortably in every grammatical format known to the language. I have merely translated the holy books into today’s evolved English usage.

Levee`:

In Genesis I, I introduce the word, Levee`. Levee` is a french word and refers to the ceremony perfected during the reign of Louis IVX where the entire court would gather and watch the King arise from bed and take a dump. The royal chamberlain would then check out the King’s scat and announce to the court whether or not the king was feeling well that day. Given that in Genesis I God did some of his most important work during the mornings of this first six days, I felt a similar ceremony would be appropriate.

Typography:

I use Marker Felt Wide Typeface. It is generally used to denote humor but it is also can be difficult to read. So is the Bible.

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